I'm not even sure when or what I posted last and I don't feel like looking.

I know I was trying to get away from my living situation .... which I have. I have made it up north closer to my "stuff". The heat has been horrible so I have yet to make the hour and half trip to my storage shed to start sorting through but I will.

My divorce was final as of July 2nd. So I've now started drawing my survivor benefits from social security which is helping me survive. I transferred with my company up here so I have a job just not many hours. Life here is different than Sacramento .... very Republican. I don't fit in in that regard. I've had to learn to just shut up. Which is hard for me to do. But since I'm alone here, it's probably best.

And for some insane reason I went on a dating site. I was horney. Masturbation is great but eventually some human touch other than my own is needed. My first date, if you can call it that, was nice. He's an old hippie like me and we jelled nicely together. He made the move back into sex a very pleasant one after two plus years of going without. The second date ... I'm still trying to get rid of. He's like shit on the bottom of my shoe that just won't scrape off. I think he has finally got the message now. I think. Day's not over yet. But I saw date one again last night and yeah, it was better than the first time. He lives 3 1/2 hours away so it's a bit of a drive for him to get laid but hey, if he's willing to drive, I'm willing to play. He's yummy.

A date with another gentleman tomorrow. I'm a bit more concerned with this one ... he's newly widowed. Married to his high school sweetheart for 48 years. Six months ago she passed. I'm his first date since high school. I'm freaking out. He keeps saying he feels like a teenager ... well, yeah dude. No shit. We'll see how it goes. I think he's looking for a wife replacement and although the overall security in life would be nice, I don't want to be a substitute. Nervous as shit.

Overall life is nice here and I'm happier than I was in Sacramento for sure. Just more alone. My little studio cottage with it's two car garage is perfect for my needs and affordable. The area is overrun with homeless but they've been harmless. The only rescue mission is in my back yard .... literally. It's a constant reminder of how close I am to being them. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks but I'm not only one. 

I'm praying for a positive outcome in November. Am I happy with the choices. Fuck no. Will for vote for the lesser of two evils to try and save the planet? Fuck yes. 2020 has been rough. I really need a reason to celebrate 2021. Time marches on and my years are dwindling.  Enough.

Peace, J.

Angry.

Gotta let this go and leave it here ... but it's not gonna be that easy.

When I returned from England after being gone almost 4 years, I had nothing. A few boxes of clothing. Very little money. My husband was sending some when he could. My first living situation fell through and that is how I ended up here. Here .... as in living with William & Ellen.

I found my job after awhile. I was starting to panic. Being 60 and starting over is not fun. No one wants to hire an old lady. But I found my place. I've been there since. Anyway, I saved as much as I could while trying to pay some kind of rent. I qualified for food stamps and medical. I turned my food stamps over to William & Ellen ... about 200.00 dollars worth along with 300.00 cash for rent. When I managed to save about 1000.00, I decided it was time to look for a used car. I'd been Ubering, Lyfting and bumming rides since August and it was now December. With the money I was spending on rides I could manage a car payment. Ellen & William were very supportive and excited for me. I also had excellent credit, still do. I was over 800 at the time. Now I tend to stay in the mid 700 range. I found a car, applied for the loan and was denied. I decided I would go try to go through my credit union. Denied. Haven bounced a check in over 10 years. Have banked with them for 20. Denied. Get a co-signer they said. I walked. Upset that after paying cash for most of my vehicles, the one time I needed a loan I was denied. Came home upset and told Ellen & William. The next day Ellen offered to co-sign. I turned her down so fast. No. Not gonna do that. My husband gets upset with me, says I'm too prideful and that I should accept their help. A week goes by. I cave and ask Ellen if she is still willing. She says yes. I am filled with gratitude.

The car was 5000.00, I put 1000.00 down and financed the rest. I haven't missed a payment and have even paid a couple months ahead. Last months payment put me just under 3000.00. I even got a tad excited about that. Stupid. Now we are going to fast forward to yesterday morning. Got up. All seemed normal. The three of us gathered outside with our morning coffee and had a little wake & bake. Showers are taken, breakfast is eaten and things have gotten weird. Ellen is being a bitch to me. William isn't much better .... but is still better than her. The day goes on and I hear Ellen tell William that her daughter Shannon has got her taken care of in the morning. I ask what she means and she doesn't answer. Mind your own, Julie. Mind your own. But I'm thinking she means take her to work. Normally she uses my car on Monday mornings, the one day she goes in the office for an hour or two. I'm confused but let it go. Then later on that night the daughter calls and Ellen is saying not to worry. It's okay. Yada yada. A few minutes pass and I get a text asking if she can use my car in the morning. I lost it. I asked why the hell she was asking when it was a given .... she uses my car on Monday mornings. No answer. 

Morning comes. She takes my car. No problem. She texts me and asks if I want a Chi Tea ... she's stopping on her way home. No thanks. She asks why? I say I don't want one, but thank you. She says are you sure? Fuck yes. Thank you. She comes home and as she walks by my room she yells out she's headed out back for a smoke. I don't want to but I head out. Then she says that the reason she asked to use my car is that the morning before I made a comment along the lines of ... guess you're lucky I don't need my car, in reference to her using it on Mondays. Said I was snotty. I do not remember this at all. Not even. I can't even remember any conversation where that would of been a response. I question her and she gets pissy and insists that I said it.  Alrighty then. It must be so.

Then the kicker .... William said you don't have any plans to pay off your car with this money. I was like uh, no. Not paying off the car. She says she thinks I should. I said no. She says what are you going to do with it? I haven't told them I want the hell out of here so I say .... at my age a little bit of money in savings is a comfort. Not that I owe you an explanation as to what I'm doing with my money. She's a dog with a bone and she wasn't gonna stop till she got her way. She tried to refinance their car and was told that because she is cosigned on my car they wouldn't do it. She won't stop until I say I'll pay the car off .... and I do. I stand up let her know I'm on my way in to do just that. Now she's pissed because I'm pissed. I pay off the car. Leaves me with less than 100.00 between checking and savings. I text her and William both with a screenshot of it being paid off. I've been in my room since. I've left to go pee, that's it.

I won't be heading north anytime soon. Not sure I even want to play this game anymore. My car is paid for. Starting from zero. Again. 

I hate my life. I'm tired.

Peace.