i still have my christmas tree up
i have feelings for someone in my past that will never amount to shit
i feel stuck in my career
sometimes i think i also suck at being a mom
i didnt think i sucked at being a girlfriend, but i haven't had a relationship for years- and i wonder if maybe i am now
i suck at waking up early to exercise. 
i used to like that.
i suck at being a daughter sometimes.
and also sometimes a sister.
sometimes also an aunt.
this year, i've sucked most at teaching.
i hate that a lot.
i miss being a great teacher.
not that i was necessarily a great teacher.....
but definitely better than this year.
i suck at cleaning toilets
and doing laundry
i suck at cleaning vinyl flooring.
and also probably shoveling.
i make my coffee too strong
and my drinks the same.
i should probably go to bed early.
and also wake up on time.
but i hit snooze at least 8 times before i'm up.
i suck at singing.
and then at not cussing.
i'm a work in progress?

I can't even have lunch in the lounge.

The discussions make me want to vomit.

etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.

Never thought I'd come to the day in my life where I thought to myself "wouldn't it be nice to live in a place like Carroll". 

 

That's how low it's gotten?

I'm not saying that it's the worst place in the world. I'm definitely not saying it's the best. 

I am, however, saying it's a step-up from what we're living now.
Financially, I'm nervous.
Personally, I'm nervous.
Professionally, I'm nervous.

I love change though.
I enjoy it. It makes me happy.
I DONT like the "unknown" aspect.... I don't always enjoy the initial process.... but I really do love change. I LOVE IT!
I need a change. I need a shake-up. 

I'm going to be applying to the two local schools. POSSIBLY, a couple surrounding schools. GOAL: live in Carroll. It'll be close to my nieces and nephews, parents, sister/brother-in-law.... annnd some friends. Other friends are in DSM- which is closer to Carroll than IG. So, there's also that.

I just feel like, our 10 years here have been wonderful. We've enjoyed what we've lived and learned, but we're ready for more. I think all 3 of us are just ready to move onto bigger things. Maybe or maybe not bigger. But definitely different.

I'd, obviously, prefer to move to a larger city. However, at this time--- I can't seem to justify the lack of known. Like, if I "KNEW" there'd be a career opportunity that would support myself and the girls- I'd do it. If I *KNEW* I could support ourselves somewhere else, I'd do it. However, I'm just not sure that I can. If it were just me, I'd make a career change. If I knew I'd have a job in the field I'm in, I'd do it. But the transition period, the pay, and the being responsible for two dependants- I just can't. :( Right now. 

Maybe someday. 

Never say never.

Also, try not to end up on the streets. Try to make sure they've got all that they need, and some that they want. :)

In order to do that, I think moving to Carroll would be the best option.

WHICH MEANS- updating my resume, getting letters of recommendation, etc. 
So *cheers* to that. ;)

I am absolutely exhausted.
I am a White woman.
Single mother.
Raising a biracial Black daughter and a White daughter.
I am trying to unlearn so much of what I learned growing up.
I am trying to support my daughters together and yet separate and differently. 
I feel like I have become a whole new person and gained a whole new perspective on life.
I am hopeful and excited. I am exhausted and upset. 
And yet I've only been in this for a few weeks, months.
I haven't lived my life knowing this. I understand that this is both horrible and amazing.
I wish I had someone immediate to help me and to do this together with. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I could speak louder and harder. I wish I could say I haven't done so much wrong already.
And also there's a pandemic. And I haven't seen my friends, my real support system for weeks, months..... some even longer. And I feel selfish for even posting this.
And the one person who I wish was here, will probably never be.

....and as un-interested as ever.

I don't like being single. But I also don't like dating. And now it's been so long that I've been single that I think I'm past "not liking" dating, that I'm scared AF to even start. And a lot of times when I hear that, it's when people have been in a relationship for so long that they're scared to get back out there. I'm so much into being single for so long that I'm not even sure how to not be.

I kept thinking I had to keep working on me. And now, it's like, will I ever really be done "working on me"? Probably not. It's something we should always be doing.

Speaking of. 

I'm on a fb group called "Culturally Fluent Families". Before reading some of these posts by others, I thought I'd most definitely be open and a decent fit for fostering other races. After going through the posts lately, I wonder if that's true. Is it different regionally??? I mean, I'm in a state that's not very diverse. If I were to get a call for a placement, the children would (likely) be from our area. They try to make placements as close as possible to the child's home. If that's the case, then the demographics are going to be similar. Around here, schools are VERY much primarily white. Neighborhoods, same. So, is it really like totally uprooting them also culturally???? Maybe. Maybe I need to realize I wouldn't be a great match. THE OTHER thing I wonder is.... I am in a class of about 10 families. All of them are white. There's another class going on, there's one couple that are brown. That's in the surrounding like 5 counties. Of the 3 families I know that are local, they're all white. Just with the demographics of our area, it's likely that placements will be white. BUT if not, I just don't want to be the wrong fit. 

A question was asked in the group "White parents raising black kids, if someone said you needed to turn down your whiteness to raise them, what would you do/say?" 

That's what's keeping me up tonight.

I should go to sleep, though. I was supposed to watch a movie with a friend- but not happening. 

So, I'll sleep. 

Maybe.

Swiped Left for all. 

I buy flowers now.
I'm a grown adult that buys flowers. For her yard. Hanging, planting, in pots and in flower boxes. I make fairy gardens and gnome gardens. It's weird. 
I'm cool with it, but it's weird.
Do people that get thrown into motherhood kind of stay at that weird place between teen years and old-people years and just keep fluctuating but never really moving along the path like normal humans?
I feel like that's me.
I feel like I'm young and fun and stuff, but I also feel like I'm old and uncool and misplaced.

Is anyone else having like really SHITTY sleep?!? Like everything for me is shitty. Sleep patterns, for one. Like I can NOT wake up at just.... a "normal" maybe between 6:30 and 8:00 am. I'm either up at 3:30 and can't get back to sleep OR I can NOT get up until 11:00. Maybe once a week, I can hit that ideal 6:30-8, but the other 6 days I'm f'd. ALSO, when I sleep my dreams are the most ridiculous. I'd say even more crazy than my pregnancy dreams, and those dreams were nuts. My dreams now are just ..... they're something else. And it's weird because they feel so weird! And sometimes I feel I mix them up for real-life. NOT often, but sometimes I'll wake up and be going through my day and be all "wait a sec... did....? Nawwwww. surely, that's not... no, that was a dream. right?!? right. yes. right?". Damn.
So, there's that.
Anyone else?!?!