The final finishes were finally done on my bike late Sunday afternoon. When it's William doing the favor you just bide your time till William's ready. So the assignment he gave me for today was to ride it, check brakes, shifting, handlebars and so on. Also went and bought a bike pump. A floor model. I had a hand pump coming that was supposed to be here last Thursday. It didn't show up. When I went and checked, the delivery date had been changed to tomorrow, Tuesday. I was worrying about my bike sitting on flat tires so I found a floor pump at Pep Boys and went and got it. Got home and guess what had been delivered? The hand pump. Couldn't believe it. Silver lining is the bike tires got pumped up. All that really mattered.

Got up this moring full of anticipation. I took my shower, grabbed my owners manual, grabbed my bike oil and made sure all was lubed as it should be. Got my basket on and the bell. Sat for a few minutes contemplating my first ride in over 12- 15 years. When living at 8000 ft. in the Sierras, I rode my mountain bike everywhere. As soon as the snow melted I was on my bike and would ride till the snow fell again. I was in good shape in those days. Time has been rough on the body and I more or less stopped exercising all together. The muscles aren't what they used to be. I pushed the bike from the back yard to the front, threw my leg over, popped up on the seat and although it was a bit shakey at first, I was riding. Up and down the block .... twice. Stepped off the bike and my legs were jello. I had literally ridden nowhere and my legs were jello. Maybe this was a mistake. Came in feeling a bit defeated. Downed a huge glass of water and felt pretty damn sad really. After feeling sorry for myself for about 30 minutes, I decided I'm not gonna give up that quick. Back out I went. A longer cruise around the immediate neighborhood. Legs would scream every now an then. Push through. You use to love the burn. You will again. Got home, popped off the bike to legs that we even more jello than before.

This is gonna be fun. I'll go a bit further every day making sure the legs are burning. The pain will once again be my friend. I'll get stronger and that would be a good thing. My goal is to make it to the levee. Once there I have miles and miles to ride. It's not that far, really. Maybe this time next week or within a few days of that I'll be there. 

Stay safe everyone.

Peace.

Okay, so honestly I have no idea what the hell I did the last couple days. My bike pump didn't come. So I'm waiting. It's gotten hot. Quick. So it will be early morning and early evening rides. My basket came. It's beautiful. My bell came too. I just need my pump that should have been here Thursday and for some reason got pushed back till Tuesday. Not happy. Whataya gonna do?

This morning early, like around 4am, we were awakened by a single siren that sounded like it was right out front. It shut off but the sheriff would hit it every now and then for a quick couple seconds. Off in the distance I start to hear the calvary coming. Sirens ... lots of them. You can tell our general area is surrounded. Sirens from all directions. I get up and open the door and meet William and Ellen on their way to see what the heck. A spotlight shines down the side of our house. Dogs are barking. I decide it's a good time for a pipe load. William comes back with no new info and joins me. Ellen lights a smoke. Next thing we hear over a loudspeaker is:

Bad man, bad man, come out with your hands up. The dog is loose and he will bite you.

This was repeated more times than I can even begin to remember. We all sat there and then realized we were sitting out back kickin it with some bad man apparently running through back yards. Then after about 45 minutes it was quiet. I went to bed. Didn't sleep. Thought that counts right? The rest of the day was spent getting high, watching a couple movies and munching every now and then.

Ready to pass out. Still no word from work. William is back full time starting Monday. Ellen goes back full time to her office in two weeks. I'm just waiting. Could be awhile. Alright, as I said ... eyes fighting to close so .....

Stay safe.

Peace.

Needing to vent.

Woke up at 2am needing to pee. Got up, pee'd and dropped back into bed. Lockett and Duke usually sleep in William & Ellen's room and sometimes on a rare occasion one or the other will choose to sleep in my room or out on the couch. After crawling back into bed I heard a dog wandering up and down the hallway. I got up and found Lockett outside my door getting ready to puke. No time to get her outside ... she let go. Duke showed up then wanting to eat it of course. Got them both in my room and cleaned up the mess. Dog food ... she over eats sometimes. Back in my room both dogs had made their way to my bed so I just crawled in with them and tried to go back to sleep which I must of done sooner or later.

I woke up to the sound of William yelling for Ellen, which he does every morning when he wakes up. The dogs jump off my bed wanting out to go see their mom and pop. I let them out just as Ellen is walking by heading to the bathroom. The dogs jump on William happy to see him. From the door of my room I let him know that Lockett had gotten sick at 2am and that I cleaned it up and they spent the rest of the night in my room. Instead of like maybe "sorry that happened, thanks for cleaning it up", I get ..... "why didn't you wake me up?". I explained that it was 2 in the morning and there was no need to wake him up. If it had been something other than straight dog food, I may have woken him, but I'm perfectly capable of cleaning up dog puke. Back into my room.

About ten minutes later I hear William outside taking a bong hit so I go outside as well. Ellen is outside too. Before I get to my chair to sit down William says: "the next time one of the dogs gets sick in the middle of the night, wake me up. They're our dogs, not yours and I have a right to know when they get sick." I kinda lost my shit. I normally try not to snap. I make the attempt to take a couple deep breaths to calm and get thoughts together. That wasn't the case today. With my finger pointed at his face, told him I wasn't about to put up with him getting pissy with me when I felt I had done a good thing by not waking them. Ellen has sleeping issues and would never get back to sleep if I woke them. Did he think of that?" My speech went on a bit longer than that but I'll spare you.

My question is this. Did I do something wrong? I don't see it. He has a way of making me feel stupid. He can be abrupt. It's his nature. But shit, I'm tired of it. I wanna move. I want out of here.

My apologies for the vent but hopefully now I can just leave it here.

Stay safe.

Peace.

Time - He's waiting in the wings
He speaks of senseless things
His script is you and me boys

Time - He flexes like a whore
Falls wanking to the floor
His trick is you and me, boy

Time - In Quaaludes and red wine
Demanding Billy Dolls
And other friends of mine
Take your time

- David Bowie -


Why is it the days drag on yet the weeks seem to fly by? How can that be?

How did I get to be this old? Where did the time go?

It's so weird to be in this place where my age is all of a sudden a factor in every decision I make. For example, I want another tattoo but my skin is now so thin. I bump into something and it looks like I've been beaten. Age spots have shown up everywhere. Myself & time have not been so good to my skin. I don't believe anyone will tattoo me now. Makes me sad. 

My hair shows the passing of time. It's silver now. I'm grateful for that. So glad it shines and is not dull and yellowed. I'm asked all the time why I am no longer coloring my hair. I'm done with that. I don't want to look like an old woman trying to look young. And I know you all know what I'm talking about. I own this silver hair. I've earned every strand.

The wrinkles. Not only on my face but what seems like everywhere else. A lot of sun & time have been rough on face and skin. Baby oil was the thing when I was growing up in the 70's. That and Sun-In. Lol.  We'd burn ourselves to a crisp. Some would tan .... others, like myself, would just peel. That just sucked. I was convinced I'd tan someday. Being a girl who doesn't tan growing up in southern California sucked hard. Yeah, I earned my wrinkles too.

My mind is fading with time. I think a lot of people my age worry about dementia and alzheimers. Forgetting things is normal as we age. But how much is normal? Is it because I smoke and have smoked copious amounts of weed the majority of my life? Why can I remember some things and not others. Why is it a name I have remembered all my life is all of a sudden just gone. I can't pull it out and I want to scream. It's there. So close. On the tip of my tongue. Yet it won't come. Frustration doesn't help but it's hard not to get frustrated. I don't want to forget. I really don't. I have too much to remember. I get scared and don't know what to do.

I've abused my body for many many years. Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. Lived by it. Time has passed and it shows.

Stay safe out there.

Peace.

Wow. What a difference a few days of sunshine make. I've actually been laughing and smiling .... and it feels good.

Yesterday was spent mostly at home with the exception of taking the dogs to the dog park. They've really come to expect this every day now. Gonna suck for them when we all get back to work. It was a busy day there. Lots of people and dogs. The rest of the day was spent outside enjoying the sun. Smoked way too much pot but whose keeping track. It was just an uneventful good day.

Today was about the same really. William was home today so we took the dogs early to the dog park. Duke's time at the park is spent hunting gophers. It's obviously the pastime of may dogs there as the holes around the park are many. Duke tends to stay close to the fence line, wandering with nose down till he gets a whiff of gopher and then the digging begins. There is no stopping him and the dog can move some dirt. He'd been in one spot for awhile and I walked up to take a look. At the end of his trench was a hole and his nose was just going for it .... he dug and stuck his nose in the hole and before I could even think about it .... he had gopher. I freaked. He played with that poor gopher like a cat would. Tossing it, pawing it and then ignoring it till it tried to make an escape and he would start all over again. I couldn't stop him so I walked away. William walked over in time to see the gopher make an escape to the other side of the fence. Pretty sure the dog park has one less gopher. 

That was my excitement for the day. OH wait!! I lie! My bike came today!! Not out of the box yet but it's here!!  So hopefully will get it built soon, like in the next few days. The helmet comes Friday. Ordering a basket and bell ... probably when I'm done here. Which will be shortly.

No word about work yet. I got my stimulis check yesterday. So that's gonna help. Have not heard from unemployment yet. I'd like to go back to work. It would be nice to have some kind of normal. Work would be a good start. It's gonna be awhile. Let's hope the sun keeps shining.

Stay safe.

Peace.

The sun came out today early and stayed out all day. It was heaven. Sat outside and soaked it up most the morning. William was home early afternoon so a trip with the dogs to the dog park was quickly put on the agenda. Lots of people out today. Jogging, walking, biking and walking dogs. Everyone seemed happy to see the sun. My bike arrives Wednesday. Excited. Ready to ride. Ready to drop some pounds. Written as I sit here stuffing Extra Toasty Cheez-It's in my face. I hate the person who thought those were a good idea. I really do. I already had a serious addiction to regular Cheez-It's. Make anything extra toasty and I'm there. Love things borderline burnt. Yum.

Overall it just seemed like a good day. No special reason other than clear skies and sunshine. Its been hard to smile these past weeks but today it was easy. It felt good. More sun tomorrow. Sweetness.

Ellen & William got their stimulus payment today. Still waiting for mine. But guess it's really happening. I wasn't going to believe it till I saw it. Anyway ....

Stay safe.

Peace.

Yesterday was a day like many of the others. They don't change much. Ellen loves to have people doing things for her. William will end up going to get her a diet coke, or a pack of smokes, or food of some sort at least once a day. They fight about it constantly. Right now her claim is legit. She has a compromised immune system BUT this happens even when the country isn't in the middle of a pandemic. And with me being home now all day and William back at work .... guess who gets the hints thrown out as I walk by her makeshift office? Me. Today it went like this:

Ellen: There's no coffee left in the pot.
Me: Oh? I can make some.
Ellen: Nah. A white chocolate latte made with coconut milk sounds really good though, huh?
Me: You want me to go to Starbucks. I honestly don't think there are any close that are open.
Ellen: Pretty sure the one at Cottage & Fulton is.
Me: Okay, sure. (knowing full good and well I am in a losing battle and my choices are go and not be scowled at all day or don't go and face the consequences.)

So off I go. It's open. Yep. With a line longer than I was willing to wait around in. I'm irritated and have the whole "fuck this" attitude going and start home. I'm almost home. Realizing the shit I will face the rest of the day, I pull over and google open starbucks near me. And one pops up over by where I work that I didn't know was there. Round two. Two lines merging into one. Both insanely long. After an hour, I was on my way home. But Ellen was happy. Hooray. 

The rest of the day was quiet. William came home early and we took the dogs to the park for an hour or so. Then little Bella from next door came to play. So the dogs were wore out. I've been taking benedryl for the rash on my back and it seems to relieve the itching some and definitely knocks me out. Never sleep through the night without waking countless times but take benedryl and I'm down for the count. Kind of nice actually. So bed came early ... fell asleep watching some weird low budget horror flick. 

Today was different. I actually accomplished a few things. After a little wake & bake I showered, got as dressed as I planned on getting for the day and tackled the rest of the kitchen cabinets. There were only like four to go and after a week of procrastination the guilt was setting in. But they're done now. Then went outside to take a break and was joined by Ellen who reminded me today was the day I file for unemployment. That was one of the most user unfriendly sites I've dealt with in awhile. In any case, I did it. Hopefully I did it right. Then as was more or less expected Ellen was wondering what "we should Door Dash for lunch". Holy crap. I was ready for cottage cheese and fruit. One big ass sandwich later feeling bloated and stuffed, I realized I need to take control of this shit. Twenty five pounds. One more time .... TWENTY FIVE POUNDS. It's what I've gained since September 6. The day I quit smoking and decided to start stuffing my face instead. Being a stoner doesn't help.

Take control. I bought a bike today. A beach cruiser. Mint Green. Three speed. Mint green helmet to match. I'm dancing. I don't have the money and at the moment no job. But I did it anyway. Still dancing ... excited! Watch the food intake and what that intake is. Ride the shit outta the bike. Fresh air and sunshine. Alone time. Yes, I am dancing one long happy dance. I will drop this weight. I got to. I'm miserable.

Time to chill. Finish watching a movie I started earlier. The benedryl should be kicking in soon. A few hits on the pen will help that along. Grocery shopping with William tomorrow. Ugh.

Stay safe out there.

Peace.