I am sitting here at 1am. Not even sure how I ended up on the site other than sometimes.. you still long for an old friend. An old listening ear. I don't even know if anyone is still coming around here and journaling. I can pretend someone is out there though, can't I? 

I am tired, exhausted even..and yet I am also more full of life and the will to live it than I ever have been in the past. Mortality has been on my mind a lot the last 19 days.. We lost Erics sister. My oldest and very first friend I ever had in life pasted away 2 days after mothers day.. Liver failure.. from drinking. I feel like old me would be more angry. More pissed off at one more addict that chose to throw their life away.. Me today? I feel like as my life as gone by I have come to understand that most addicts do not choose that life. Most are running from trauma and pain the simply can not face. I believe this is what happened with my dear friend. It is stupid to know I can look back at when she and I were in our late teens and early twenties and she never drank. She was actually the one taking our keys and making sure we didn't drive drunk back then.. We eventually moved a long distance from each other. Our lives went on as we got married had children and then years later we come back together and suddenly she isn't the friend I had known my whole damn life.. and she never would be again. At least not until the very end when oddly enough she seemed so very alert and herself in her final days.. 

For years now it has began to feel like year after year I lose more and more people to suicide or addiction. People I never thought it would be. Hell if I look all the way back at my life there was a time I would have told you I would be the one laid in the ground early either by my own hand or something stupid and yet here I am 42.. I have burried my grand mother, my own mother a child, my oldest childs father a niece and now a best friend for life. I can't help but wonder.. How many more days for me? How many more years? Will i get to see our son grow up to be a man? That thought can bring me to my knees seeing as I have been taking care of my sister in laws girls since she was first rushed to the hospital on May 1st 2022, They are 5 and 4 years old and I have had to help them process that mommy isn't ever coming back. They won't be able to see mommy again.. At least not in this lifetime. Not in this world. Will someone be having that same talk with my son soon? I know I life healther, I don't drink heavily in fact I drink very very rarely. I don't do other drugs but who is to say it can't be something else that gets me.. the trust is.. I am not even close to ready. I feel more full of life and yet I also feel like the adventure is just begining... 

I need advice on adult parenting.. I feel like I am epically failing in this area as of late. Since Dec, of last year I have been watching my grand daughter for my daughter while she works. Over that time I have discussed with her that my grand daughter is becoming excessively aggressive. She slaps she throws herself down she climbs dressers and tv stands she bites herself hits herself and pulls her own hair. She is 15 months old. She has pushed her grand fathers tv off its stand into my wall when I tell her no she screams at me and hits the tv. On Monday she bit our son. And yes I know biting is normal for children. However she took a toy from our son who is 4 he politely took it back and said "No, I was playing with that. She for real walked over to him like she was going to hug him and bit down on his cheek and locked on to it to a point I had to pull her off of him. My son made no effort to hurt my grand daughter. He knows better. He made no effort to bite or strike her. He called for me to help. Here is the issue though, My daughter doesn't allow for her child to be popped she doesn't used an authority tone with her. The only option is time out. Which doesn't work the child throws herself down slams her head into the floor throws herself backwards bites herself and we can't do anything to stop her. 

My son knows he has consequences to his actions this child has none. So when her mother came in we tried to talk to her calmly we explained plain ole have a seat for a second isn't working my son has teeth marks and bruises on his cheek from her child and she basically shrugged at me. Well, I don't know what to tell you she says... So, I try to get her to put herself in my shoes. "What if my son had bit yours like that and left teeth marks and bruises?" She lost it! "He is four and a boy he should know to never touch a girl..." Well, he didn't so therefore he MUST know not to.. considering she just bit his damn face and left teeth marks and shit and never even thought to defend himself... So, her father said. Something needs to be done at home. Whatever you are doing isn't working. Then it was "I am a fucking adult..." Her father told her she wouldn't stand in his house and speak to me that way when it was her child who bite our son..and if she wanted to do that she needed to get out of his house." She took my grand daughter and left and I haven't heard from her since... 

I don't know what I am suppose to do, I don't know how long she is going to go on ignoring me throwing out bs facebook post as if we have some how insulted her when it was her child who injured another all we did was ask her what we could do about it and tell her that what they are doing now is not working which is obviously the truth by the bruises my son still carries on his cheek as of now Friday.. She bit him on Monday... Am I suppose to apologize? Am I suppose to be the bigger person again? Do I teach my son that he should never ever defend himself against a female even if she is latched on to his face. That because my grand daughter is a female I will protect her over him and excuse violent behaviors? I don't think I can do that. Sure I teach him to not hit, I teach him patience and kindness and love and gentleness. I teach him that my grand daughter is smaller and doesn't know all the things he knows and that he can hurt her. But even still how long am I expected to keep her and watch it happen and allow her to bite and hit and be nasty to him? 

I need advice. I love my grand daughter I have kept her once a week nearly every week of her life sometimes more here since Dec it has been 5-6 days a week. Now I feel like I don't know when I will see her again and I feel like I don't deserve this... 

I am feeling a bit pissed off at one of my adult child who I am pretty sure is lying to me. Now, don't get me wrong she grown she can make her own life choices but when I am employeed by you and I am watching YOUR child mama isn't playing that lying bullshit. How they gonna come pick this child up at 6:30pm in zero of their work clothes no work badges 
She gonna come in and tell me she was able to change shoes because a friend left them in their car 
(mama knows her own childs shoes....)
then her man gonna be biting his nails and pipe up with "I had to change my whole outfit" 
Ok but yall JUST left work and JUST dropped a friend off and came here... 
So this man done took a whole ass shower on the way over driving the car and changing his whole outfit...
Then gonna try and hint for me to babysit tomorrow so they can have a party...
Child if you don't stop playing with me. I can quit... Ya father provides well for us...

Y'all know how I was just saying it is amazing how I have managed to get to a happy comfortable place in my life. ... God got jokes... 
So Eric went to file taxes today.. and he claimed me, as he has the last couple years maybe last 3. To be honest, I have never done my own taxes. Either my parents, spouse or whoever I was living with at the time has claimed me. I suck at math honestly, leave me out of the whole ordeal as much as possible is my motto.. 

So imagine the shock when they kicked back Erics taxes saying I had already filed taxes....for myself...
Umm, No.. no the fuck I did not! It gets even crazier. For the last several years I haven't even had an ID or a SS card for that matter.. I lost all my info years ago. My ID, My Social security card and my birth certificate all vannished.. That was over 10 years ago. I have been trying to replace it all and only this last year got close to getting my social security card sorted out because my last ID was in my maiden name but my social is in my married name.. I had to prove I was married etc. and then Covid. So basically I have been off the grid all this time. 

So riddle me this. How do I, someone who has no photo ID, no social security card prove that I am me and that the person claiming to be me filing taxes is in fact... NOT me??

Welcome to chapter 41 "If they are me then who am I? If I am me then who are THEY?"

I have been storing as much as my old mindsay stuff on wordpress. Logging in today makes me feel like maybe I should move somewhere else.. am I the only one getting broken image links every where?? Adobe Flash player is dead right? Do I need to do something to fix it?

Anyhow, here are some links to the old me.. 

Eccentric Writing
Insane Laughter

I had this moment yesterday where I found myself suddenly reflecting over the last 13 years... I still find it so very strange to be able to reflect back on the past and question when and how I got to this part of life.. The all around general calm and bliss I tend to find myself in. If you knew me years ago, woah... first of all.. so very sorry about all that. I don't even know what happened way back then..but I wasn't in a good place. In fact I was in a darkness that never seemed to end. If I wasn't worried about my children, I was worried about my marriage and whether or not I was the broken piece in it all. I was wondering if I could ever do this thing called life on my own given how useless I felt and believed that I was.. 

Frankly 13 years ago I was more than ready to leave this world. Be it praying for the courage to finally end the bullshit myself or some ugly twist of fate that took me out. One way or the other it was my very firm idea that if I was not on this planet.. everyone that I loved and cared about would be far better off...

Strange fact about all of the above is that everything I said and felt above was all before I burried a child and my mother within 2 years of each other..
How is that even possible? I often ask myself.. How can it be like that? 

Losing Amara in 2012 was the most unexpected plot twist.. out of the death of my very soul arose this fierceness to survive this shit. Losing mom in some odd way gave me the freedom to survive it. 

Suddenly here it is 2021 and I am right where I always wanted to be. I am still head over heels in love with this amazing man I could have never guessed would be "the one" We are still raising some pretty amazing children and now grandchildren. We have a small little 2 room house with a cute little dog ( we just got her ) .. I keep catching myself feeling completely content in life and I am often times caught off guard by that.. as if it is still not real that I am finally here.. I don't know what happens in the future but for the first time, I am not upset by that not knowing. For now I am thinking.. maybe it's gonna be just fine after all.. 

I am pretty sure every time I come here I could start this journal with... Jesus, life is crazy? Well.. because it fucking is. Maybe there isn't a pause or slow down phase anymore.. I am not sure. I feel  like I never stop and yet I also feel like I accomplish so little in a day.. or a week.. or a year. *shrug*

Last week came with a plot twist I couldn't have seen coming if I tried. When a 17 year old teenager showed up at my door. A "runaway" although NOT a runaway because in our state at his age you can just leave and the parents can't stop you. But, there he was in basketball shorts, a t-shirt and shivering. When I asked him if he was okay he said "no" I spent two days trying to see if anyone was even looking for the kid or if he was some deranged human on the run.. there was absolutely nothing. Not from his father or his step mother or his grandmother. All I could find on him was his baseball states as he is already being scouted and has a recruiters looking at him... 

I spent two days talking him into contacting his bio-mother as he said the reason he had run is because of his father hitting him and it wasn't the first time and such. I did eventually get him to contact her and the next day BAM there was an alert that the police were looking for him. They were accusing him of assulting a 65 year old man and child cruelty. I found this so fucking odd. One he had been coming and going from my house for 2 days was on the street for 2 days and suddenly from no where there is this going out on our local PD's facebook page. All I kept thinking is how odd that hes been with me in my home with me alone. Plenty of stuff to steal my four year old here etc and all the boy did was say yes ma'am no ma'am thank you and such he even offered to pay me back for helping him and everything. Also if he is this violent why has no one said anything sooner they claimed the incident happened on the 26th and yet nothing was out about it or them wanting him until the 29th/30th? Something just wasn't adding up to me and even more odd is a kid, of fairly well to do family/an outstanding baseball career already and a bright future a head was never afraid when I told him he was wanted and why.. he didn't get angry or run or anything all he did was beg and plead with me not to let them take him back to his father. Aren't 17 year olds suppose to be more afraid of jail than a parent?

I also know that his father and step mother had access to his facebook the entire time he was gone and I know this because I am the one that showed him how to see when and where he was logged in and such and he booted them out. That is when they filed the charges... SO here is my question.. If you were in his facebook and watching and you saw me messaging your "violent" son why wouldn't you reach out to tell me or alert me or tell me you were looking for him or worried.. Nope they never did that. However when I did find out he was wanted I absolutely did the right thing and had him turn himself in. I called the detective and I stood beside this boy as they came to get him and take him in. 

Even after he was taken in from my home. Not a single fucking time has his father or step mother made contact with me. However his birth mother has been in daily contact with me and is trying to help him and all. I found out that the reason they charged him with such things his because they could not get him as a runaway.. But, his father definitely wants him back home for a very big baseball event he must attend... When the kid ran out his door and the door closed it hit his grandfather and a child saw it so there for they charged him with assulting an elderly man and child cruelty and effectively ruined him before he ever hit 18 yrs old and graduation on a full sports scholorship... I will never understand the greedy and cruelty it takes for a father to destory his sons future that way rather than just marking it down to a teenboy with teen hormones and let that boy run. He most likely would have been home by morning but nooooo some people are all about the control and now this poor kid is sitting in a cell... smh. 

Do you ever feel like you have done enough people-ing to last you a lifetime? That is how I am feeling. Drained mentally and physically. Between the bestie visiting for a month and then going to Florida to see Eric's dad and the older kids visiting and the grand-babies visiting.. this woman needs a full on break.. and since I found out that I do not have to work tomorrow that means I will not be getting up at 6:30am! and I will be as lazy as possible all damn day. I was going to try and visit my grand parents but I just do not have the energy left in me. The last two nights I have barely been able to hold my head up while waiting for Jensen to fall asleep!