1. What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before? - Work from home

 

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? - I don't do resolutions. Every moment is a chance for a new start.

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? - Uhm... I don't think so.

 

4. Did anyone close to you die? - No.

 

5. What countries did you visit? - None! :( 

 

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? - More socialization... time outdoors.. travel...

 

7. What date(s) from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? - Friday, March 13th, the day my office was told to pack up our stuff and plan on working from home for the next 2 weeks due to the pandemic. It's been 10 months now. And Saturday, Jully 11th, the day I was involved in a tragic, fatal car accident. 

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? - Stayin' alive. 

 

9. What was your biggest failure? - I think considering the cirumstances, I did pretty well with everything. I could have worked out more. I'm still working on that...

 

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury? - I was sick in January 2020 after travelling through 2 international airports. I suspect it could have been covid, but it just as well could have been regular ol' flu.

 

11. What was the best thing you bought? - A COUCH! I love having a couch :) We used to have 2 rickety old hand-me-down chairs. I bought a couch and a dining set this year and it's just... made being at home so much more tolerable.

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? - Everyone was very bad this year 

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed? - Do I have to say the name?

 

14. Where did most of your money go? - Rent, food, and home improvements. A lot less spent on gas, so that's a plus.

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? - Hmmm... I'm not a super excitable person.... But there was this one point where I hadn't left the house for over a week and I got really excited to go to the grocery store with my boyfriend. 

 

16. What song(s) and/or ablum(s) will always remind you of 2020? - Circles by Post Malone. 

 

17. Compared to this time last year, you are: different.

 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? - Time outside. Exercise.

 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? - Youtube.

 

20. How will you be spending Christmas? - I just spent it at home with my partner.

 

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? - I stayed in love.

 

23. How many one-night stands? 0 

 

24. What was your favorite TV program? - Don't watch much TV, even during stay-at-home, but I did really enjoy watching Shrill, and The Mindy Project.

 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? - No.

 

26. What was the best book you read? - Sphere. I read that 500 page book in like 1 day - I wasn't sure whether to be impressed at myself or worried about myself.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? - Unforutnately 2020 was not a big year for music for me, which is not typical... I usually spend a good amount of my time discovering new music, but that just fell off my radar in 2020. I listened to a lot of jazz.

 

28. What did you want and get? - A couch! 

 

29. What did you want and not get? - I kind of wanted to get a new car at some point, but things didn't pan out. Now I don't care about getting a new car... so I guess that's good. I just have other goals since life is in a different perspective now.

 

30. What was your favorite film of this year? - IDK I didn't really see many films...

 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? - I just relaxed at home, I think. I'd just gotten home from a trip to Vegas/Cali so I just took it easy.

 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? - More time with friends.

 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? - Comfortable.

 

34. What kept you sane? - Journalling, tarot, my guitar, meditation, mindfulness, and yoga. Oh and candles... Lots of candles and jazz. 

 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? - Meh.

 

36. What political issue stirred you the most? - Let's not go there...

 

37. Who did you miss? - Everyone.

 

38. Who was the best new person you met? - None.

 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: Everything is changeable, and everything is changing.

 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I'll try to come back to this one... 

There's this survey on Psychology Today called "What Your Daily Routines Say About You". They suggest writing your responses to the questions. Normally I'd do this in my handwritten journal but I can't find it right now so - here goes. 

Getting Dressed. On a typical day, how long does it take to get ready for others to see you? What does it say about you? Does that make you want to change anything? It takes me an average of about 15 minutes. I like to brush my hair and either braid it, pull it back, or make sure it looks decent down. I apply tinted sunscreen, under eye concealer, and curl my eyelashes. Sometimes I put a little color on my lips with a pencil before applying lip balm. Getting dressed takes 2 minutes. I think this says I take care of myself but am not fussy - my routine is practical. I like to look put together and feel fresh, but I am not out to necessarily impress anyone beyond making myself feel comfortable. I don't desire to change anything. 

Showering or bathing. Are you highly efficient, almost miliarily, or do you luxuirate and take your time? What does this say about you? Do you want to change anything? 90% of the time I am in and out as quickly as possible. I see showering as a boring chore most of the time. If I am going through an emotionally difficult time, I find showers comforting so I might take more time. I think this says that I am a practical person. I wouldn't really change anything. 


Eating. How much time do you spend preparing food and eating? Do you eat as healthfully as you want? Some people believe diet is crucial, others think its importance is overrated, and others are in the middle. How about you? Anything you want to change? I am careful to avoid processed foods, I cook 95% of meals at home, I avoid too much meat and dairy, and try to keep my caloric intake balanced. I try to eat mindfully. Sometimes I eat too quickly so I'd like to learn to slow down. I do feel diet is crucial. I eat at the table as much as possible. Sometimes I get cravings for unhealthy foods and I'll eat the occassional burger, fries, or ice cream - maybe once every month or two. I don't have a sweet tooth so I rarely eat sweets. I feel good overall about my dietary habits, but there's a few things I'd like to improve. 

At work.  Do you show up on time? Do you get right to work, doing the important or difficult work first while fresh? Do you focus more on quality or on speed, or vary depending on the task’s importance? Do your work products often get returned to you for fixing? Do you eat at your desk while working or do you often take long lunches? Do you stop working earlier or later in the day than do your peers? Does any of the foregoing make you want to change anything? Working from home has been challenging at times. I used to go into the office at 8AM. Now I start WFH at 9am and do often start a few minutes after 9. I am most productive either earlier or later in the day - the middle of the day I try to set aside for less mentally taxing tasks because I'm not at my best between 1-4. I vary my focus on quality and speed based on the task at hand. My work sometimes gets returned to me for fixing, mostly when I am assigned a new task or we're working on developing a new process - so I guess that's less "fixing" and more just the work of makin something new. I eat at my desk less often than I eat lunch away from my desk. I take short lunches - just enough to eat, then I get back to work. I work a lot later than most of my peers. I like the routine I've built doing WFH overall. 

In recreation, do you usually look for an adrenaline rush, for example, playing action-packed video games, watching thrillers, playing or watching sports fervidly? Or are your recreations mainly de-stressers: reading, writing, watching calming movies and TV shows, playing a musical instrument, doing volunteer work, or crafting such as needlework? Want to change? I do not look fo adrenaline rushes in recreation, though I can get excited about trying something new and adventerous-to-me. Generally, though, my recreation is quiet and contemplative: playing guitar, writing, reading, going for walks, watching comedies or dramas, cooking, etc. I would like to get outside more and get more in depth with some of my hobbies, like knitting - taking on more challenging projects. 

Bedtime. Do you follow the standard advice: Maintain a regular bedtime routine, or do you vary a lot, for example, the time you go to bed, dental hygiene, taking any meds? Want to change? Most of my life I have not followed a bedtime routine. Only in the last couple years did I start really focusing on trying to get into a good bedtime routine, and only in the past few months have I started to adhere to one really strictly in terms of what time I get to bed, as insomnia and depression were severely negatively impacting my life. I have always brushed my teeth before bed, and recently I've begun flossing more regularly. I was my face nightly for the past couple years. I'd like to continue to get more consistent with shutting down technology an hour before bedtime, and really winding down at the right time so I can get to sleep at a good hour. Sometimes I still stay up too late. I'm working on it, which I'm proud of.

The takeaway: Now review your answers. If you’re being honest with yourself, are you actually ready to change anything about yourself? Perhaps a part of your daily routine? Or might you want to make a broader change? For example, perhaps you see too much speed or too much sloth in the way you’re living. Or conversely, you might think, “I like myself and my routines pretty much the way they are.” Yes, I am trying to chagne, I have no doubt about that. Too much sloth - I think there's some truth there. I could hold myself mor eaccountable. I have a theory that life is meant to be enjoyed - but there needs to be balance with sticking to responsibilities, too. I think I'm finding that balance, but there's still work to be done.

.... Well that was a waste of time. Augh. I should have read the ending before doing this. 

Oh well.

I recently learned that someone I almost married shortly after I graduated high school died last year. It's been a strange thing to digest. I realized I had some unresolved feelings from that relationships that I needed to cope with. When he asked me to marry him I let him down in a pretty ... not very sensitive way. I knew he was serious about the proposal, but I was young and confused and insenstive and awkward... so I didn't ... go about things the right way. Afterwards he ghosted me before "ghosting" was a term (at least to my understanding). This was before smartphones, and just at the cusp before cell phones and social media were ubiquiotous throughout our culture. He ghosted the fuck out of me. Changed his phone number. His email addresses. His MySpace disappeared. He also moved to another state. I know that last bit because he tracked me down and reached out to me years later, at a time when I was in another relationship and he was soon to be wed to someone else, and after a brief chat to catchup he said, "i wanted to tell you... I really wanted marry you, you know...". I hadn't even thought about him much since he ghosted me, after the inital months of confusion and sadness and bitterness wore off. But ever since he reached out and told me that... he stuck in my mind... and I've looked him up online about once a year for the past 10 years, just to see how he's doing... And this last time I looked him up, I found his obituary... And I got high the other night and was thinking about this and something clicked. It clicked how much I probably hurt him. I never realized how much I actually hurt him back then. I was too self-centered and self-absorbed. It was strange and not really right for him to propose to someone who was just out of high school... I was about to turn 19... so young... so I guess maybe in a sense he set himself up for that potential hurt, being serious about someone at that age (he was 3.5 years older than me, we'd been friends for years)... He went to war in Iraq. Got injured really badly. Spent months in a hospital. It was shortly before he was supposed to be leaving the hospital he asked me to marry him. And I'm not reflecting on all this out of like... regret... of course saying no to him was the right thing to do. But... I regret that I never told him I was sorry for how I handled things. For hurting him so calously. By the time he reached out years after the fact, I should have realized how much I'd hurt him, and that was my chance to apologize. But I was still so immature at that time still, I didn't realize... even up till recently... only recently did it click... He carried that shit with him... for years... and felt compelled to find me tell me before he married someone else that he was still carrying that... He was looking for some closure... And I was still so self-centered I didn't realize it even then. I didn't even say sorry for the callous letdown. 

I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope you are at peace now.

He eventually did get married. To a girl who actually looked somewhat like me. He certainly had a type I supose. They had 3 kids together. Now she's a single mother...

I have a feeling he killed himself. He struggled a lot with his mental health, then went to war, got injured... got worse... <3 I hope you are at peace.


Also recently had it really set in how toxic my mother is and how deeply it's affecting my life. I've always "known" this but something like toxic parents can affect your life in an insidious way... You can end up with some major issues in your life, or shitty fucked up relationships, and not really know what the hell is going wrong or why. But again... got high the other night ... and had an epiphany... about how the toxic habits of my mother are something that, as I have been talkign to her more on the phone since the car accident 5 months ago, has started to seep into my own behavior... and even before then... And affect my relationship with my partner... Just in how I talk to him, how I react to things, how I frame issues... so unhealthy... Realizing this on a visceral level instead of just the old "I had a fucked up childhood" story is important, and I can feel I'm arriving at that place, so I can hopefully start to really do something about these toxic behaviors I have inheirited, and save my relationship (so long as he can do the work he needs to do as well) and just... be happier and more well. 


<3

I found out earlier this year that my mom is addicted to heroin. 

A couple months after the pandemic hit, my mom got "sick". She went into the hospital for a few days. Her oxygen was low, legitimately. It's likely she did have covid - whether 19 or another coronavirus. 
But one night while talking to my sister, who still lives with my mom 2k miles from where I live, she confessed that she was nervous about my mom getting out of the hospital. Strange thing to say... I pushed her for details on why she would not want mom out of the hospital asap.

"I don't think she has covid." Why would she say such a thing? And ... what?! "Her symptoms are coughing, throwing up, and she's tired a lot."
"Okay, yea - she's sick.."
"A few months ago she gave me some pills to hold onto for her. She told me she has a problem and needs help. She told me she needed me to control how much she took. I think now she's doing what Catherine has been doing."
"Catherine's been doing meth... You mean something else?" Catherine is our older sister. She's been an addict since she was a teenager. Her father was an addict. He commited suicide, then my mom had my younger sister and I with our dad. That's another story.
Basically, Lil Sis thinks mom is better off detoxing in the hospital rather than coming home and starting on the heroin again.
"Yeah. And I don't think Cat is doing meth. She's doing heroin. I think they both are. And I think Cat gives it to mom. I think she's been taking it to her in the hospital, too. And I think they were doing it together when you were visting." My birthday is in January. This year I travelled back home to see my family and it was the worst vacation of my life. 
"Okay so... you think mom is doing heroin?"
"Yeah. And Cat is giving it to her. Cat is evil - I hate her."

My instant reaction was anger. Not towards my older sister. I know she's been struggling her entire life. Anger towards my mom.
My mom's dad was addicted to pills. He died a few years ago - unrelated, far as we know. Codeine pills, etc. Far as we know he never really did heroin - far as we know...

There's lots of addicts in my family, both sides, up and down. Grandmother has been in recovery for alcohol abuse for at least 40 years. Paternal grandfather abuses alcohol, and my father... though he's quite functional.
When I was little - single digit age - I remember walking in on my mom and her friends when I'd woken up in the middle of the night, pile of white powder between them all. I was young but I knew it was drugs. I could tell something was wrong about my walking in by how they reacted. 

Anyway. Lots of people do coke. Lots of people drink. 
Lots of people do heroin these days, too.
Never thought my mom would. Especially since she's never had any sort of injury that's caused her to have to take any sort of opiate medications. Far as I can tell this road was her chosing.
So I'm still grappling with the anger.
Lots of anger.
She doesn't know I know.

My sister's evidence? She's seen mom smoking it late at night, 2-3 times at the time she told me about all this. Maybe more since. And mom's nodded off in front of her a few times.
Mom's also been getting into lots of car accidents. She always blames it on stress and other distractions. Nothing major. Hitting a curb so bad it requires a week in the repair shop, or a parked car. You know --- stuff we all do on a regular basis. hah. That's how she makes it sound when she talks to me about it. Lil Sis also cited phyiscal evidence - foil left in odd places around the house, the smell... and she says she's found the shit itself underneath the bathroom sink. Mom used to always keep her wine bottles under the sink. 

I don't know what to think still.
I told Lil Sis I'd talk to mom. Sometimes I can almost get to the right head space - telling her I love her and am worried for her health and career and if she wants to talk about it or get help, we are there to support her with those things. But it's hard to get there, because I am having a hard time letting go of the anger. I am having a hard time finding sympathy. Which I kind of hate myself for. 

My mom is in her late 50s. I don't know how long she's been taking the pills ... maybe years. I don't know. Not my whole life, though. And she clearly recently started the herion. I don't understand it. So late in life. No reason to have been taking the pills in the first place - I am 100% sympathetic to people who were perscribed highly addicted pain killers and struggled when they were taken away. But this? I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around why --- Probably never will. Maybe there's nothing to figure out. This is her story, her battle. But she's my mother ... so in a way, it's my story, too. And I do want to understand. 

Addiction fucking sucks. 

I am also afraid. My mom is so reactive. And so down on herself. I'm honestly sort of afraid she'd like - kill herself - if she knew that I knew. Or if she gets help she won't be able to stay sober and will overdose. And my poor sister whose just started getting her life together would be the one to find her and that would seriously fuck her up. But that could happen any day. 

On the other hand - mom seems to want help. She asked Lil Sis for it. She reached out. She wants help. She's suffering alone. She's suffering. Alone. And I'm not stepping up to help. For no good reason. 

But even if I did try to help - my therapist (who is an addiciton counselor) pointed out that there's no guarantee she would get help, that she would get sober, and it's not my responsibility to fix my mom. Seems though that I've taken that as advice that I can do nothing. Which I feel bad about. The suggestion my therapist had for how to bring up the topic with my mom is just - not my personality. She said to bring it up casually, conversationally, no judgment. Which I can do. Generally. But with this - I just am having a hard time getting there. So do I bring it up and potentially have the conversation go downhill and cause harm if my anger shows? Or do I wait to try and get to a better place with this first? What if I can't get to that place? What if she dies in the meantime?

FUCK.


I don't know. I haven't talked about this to anyone except my partner and 1 friend. I've been avoiding talking to my sister because I can't think of any good reason why I haven't talked to my mom. She said she doesn't feel like doing it because she's bad at talking. Which - objectively - she is. I mean... if she really wanted to, she could. For some reason in this family everything falls on me.

I talk to my mom every day on the phone. Multiple times a day, every day. I'm 99% sure she's somked heroin while on the phone with me. She'll say she's parked her car near the house after work to stop and look at the ducks at the pond - then there's all this noise ... and the distinct sound of someone inhaling ... I finally asked her what all the noise was one day recently. "Oh... I'm just.... uh.... I'm just .... looking through some papers ... for work.... there's this ... thing I need to find for this client...". 


So here I am. 
Covid. 
I was in a fatal accident this summer. That's a fucking nightmare if you never had that happen to you, by the way. 
Mom's on heroin. 
Boyfriend is kinda shitty. Might break up with him, after 9 years. 

But I also feel - pretty good. Maybe I'm delusional. But I feel a fire somewhere in me that's keeping me going. 
After the accident this summer, I felt heartache like I've never felt before. I thought it as going to kill me - seriously. I thought I was going to just have a heartattack from the pain mentally and physically in my chest and/or just lose my goddamn mind and just die at times. 
But I'm doing better, 4 months on. Better.... 

Sorry this post is so negative. I don't know where else to get this out, and feel like there might be an echo rather than a thud like if I were to write it all in my paper journal.

I'll have nicer things to say next time. 

<3

I've gotten really good about writing in a paper-pen journal in the past couple years. I started a new journal in late April and am already half-way through it. I aspire to write every day but sometimes I skip a day here and there. Some weeks I do write every day though. And some days, I write 3 or 5 times a day.

On days when I'm trying to cut back on social media use, I tend to write a lot more. My thoughts swim in open space and writing helps to ground them.

Point being - I hope writing more here doesn't affect my journalling too much. I'll forever be leary of trusting any sort of digital storage.

I am taking today and Monday off work for mental health. The last 3 months have been hard on everyone, and on top of all that I've had some family-specific bullshit going on. And I just need some time "off", so a 4 day weekend will hopefully be helpful.

I slept a solid 10 hours last night. Felt good. But I had some weird dreams.

In one, a good friend died. And I was hoping to get her son. Which was weird because she has a wonderful family who would take excellent care of him if anything ever happened to her, including her baby daddy. I became lucid in the dream and started to analyze my thoughts... why do I want her kid? Do I want kids?? And what does this mean, that she's died? Am I foreseeing her death? Or am I dealing with some fears about losing her friendship? Or friendships in general? All of these thoughts, while still dreaming...

I think the last point is accurate. It's been hard to maintain friendships during this pandemic. I used to visit with friends 3-4x a month, weekdays and weekends for dinner or girls nights or movies or whatever. In the past 3 months, I've seen friends two times. We've tried to maintain connections digitally but with real-life friends, that transition often doesn't go so smooth. And I think part of me is becoming anxious that these really valuable amazing real-life freindships are weakening because I'm not getting to spend time with them. One friend is moving in with her girlfriend in 3 weeks and I would love nothing more than to be able to help her pack and move and stuff, and of course I'm invited to the house warming and she offered me the guest bed but... I just don't know yet if I can even accept the invitation. And she has asthma so I'm like how are you even having a house warming, who is going to be there, what's the plan??

I hate all this. I wish it'd go away.