jules57's Post

Day Forty Three - Sober

4/30/2020 10:53 PM

Seven years ago today I walked into an AA meeting and admitted that I was an alcoholic. It was a freeing moment. I haven't picked up since.

My drinking was an issue. I had given up hard alcohol a few years before. Blackouts were becoming frequent so I switched to beer and wine. At the time I lived in the heart of wine country so it was easy to develop a taste for it. But beer was my go to. I drank every day. I'd drink till I was drunk. I'd drink till I couldn't feel anymore. It made the pain of my past disappear.

And if this were a time for true confessions I would have to say that Mindsay was a part of that painful past. It was the beginning of the of the end of life as I knew it. It was a big part of my midlife crisis. I take full blame for all consequences of my actions. It scarred me. More than I've ever admitted. I lost more than I could have imagined.

So even after working the Steps .... I carry shit. All that says is I need to have another go and dig a little deeper. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I won't pick up. Don't know if I want to do it anymore. I'll stay sober. No desire at all for a drink. If anything the smoking is an issue. Damn. Especially now, being stuck here 24/7 with a smoker. The cravings have been bad. But I digress. It just seems a lot easier to stay loaded and not deal. So I'm gonna take that route.

See, I quit smoking pot seven years ago today too. I attended both AA and NA meetings. That didn't last but just about 3 years. It is probably the only thing that keeps me sane right now. That keeps me plodding along. That keeps me sober. I'm grateful for it. Grateful I live in a state where I can smoke legally. Grateful to be high as I write this.

I'm sober. I don't wake up hung over anymore. I don't have a permanent bucket by the bed for puking in. I'm not risking the lives of others as well as my own by getting behind the wheel. Thankful and grateful. I still say the Serenity Prayer almost daily. I haven't said today, so I'm gonna leave it here:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Stay safe out there.

Peace.

0 Comments