Can you all believe that we are 1 1/2 months from being able to survive 2020? When this shit hit in April I was not prepared for all this non-sense. So much for that two weeks and we will be ok, huh? I have been blessed in the sense that those I am close to have been healthy however Eric has lost 3 people in his family. I can't stress enough how ready I am for this to be under control so that maybe we can worry less. 

On Monday I turn 41, I don't know how to feel about that. It would be easier to say I don't even sit and think about it but I do. I think about it more than I want to. I feel like somehow it isn't right like I need more time. I find myself realizing that I am closer to 50 than I am 20 and yet I feel like I just found my happy place in life. I spent the first 30 years struggling to survive, abuse and abandonment, and then more abuse and then you factor in my own mental health and surviving having to place 3 children for adoption and then burrying yet another. Now after 12 years later here Eric and I are finally in our own place. Raising a beautiful smart now 4 year old boy. We have 3 beautiful grandchildren and another one on the way. Suddenly I am ready for a slow down. I would settle for the promise of another 40 years and yet I find myself only feeling more anxiety about my health and the world around me. So much that I want to and should have done by now that I never had the chance to do. 
 
Did anyone in the 40 plus age range go through this? is it just me? 

Also side note I am 100% positive I had a lot more things I wanted to blog about tonight but I don't think its going to happen because I am sleepy as hell.. this to I do not know if I like. Who said I could be this damn tired? I do not approve.

P.S. In 2020 we might not have beat this covid shit but we took out the Demon who has been hell bent on destroying us the last 4 years.. so there is that! Now let us all pray they can get him out of our White House without him bombing us to hell before then. Yes, that is how much I fear that orange satanic monster. I fear he would end us before he conceds to this loss. 

- Dianne

 I have been struggling so hard lately with energy. I don't know if it is because I haven't been getting the exercise I was getting before Covid hit or what but I am not a fan. I don't want to be the insomniac that I was but I also would love to have some energy left for myself at the end of the day. 

We have been busy the last few month moving and adjusting to being in a new home with our wilding. It has been amazing seeing him in a real home with his own room and space to go completely insane as toddler boys will do. I can't believe our little wilding will be 4 in less than two weeks. There are some days I feel like I didnt do anything but blink and suddenly all this time has flown by. This year has been a major adjustment for him as well. He has grown up being out often be it on walks with me or out to just visit others not to mention that up until Feb of this year I was a live in Nanny and he would go with me 3-4 days a week and be around 2 other kids now it feels like we just have each others most days. We do see the older kids as often as possible but for him it isn't a major deal because he is so young. His niece is only 10 months old so she isn't quite big enough to play with him yet. 

As for me personally.. Eh, I struggle during October. It is still my favorite time of the year. Spooky season and all. It is a time that we prepare for Jensens bday and for him to be out doing trick or treating. However its a frustrating month. A month of struggling not to think about all the things that should have been. Our daughter should be turning 8. She was due Oct. 31st. Halloween. Her daddy and I's favorite holiday. It is a constant battle not to spend every waking moment wondering who and what she should be, could be today. If only.. Did I also mention that October is also National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. So now I get to battle my own thoughts while also seeing so much today with the nightmare I live with.

Being a parent of child loss is a life long journey and its mentally and emotionally draining some days. All of us who survive this pain we may go on to seem totally normal on most days but honestly this has to be the one pain that is forever right there under the surface and you never know when every raw emotions is going to errupt and do some serious damage to your mental stability.  

Sits down at the new laptop.....
Alrighty then, lets get some real work down...

Yall pray for me because my brain hasnt been right for a minute

Is there an unspoken rule that when you turn 40 you are just automatically tired. Doesn't matter how much coffee or caffine you take in you simple feel tired. I struggle lately with it I feel in a fog like my own body is to much effort to move. I make it through the days and get every thing done but it feels like that is all muscle memory or something because when I stop all I can seem to think is I just want to sit here please do not talk to me or ask to touch me or ask me to move. 

I am use to that from my years in a depression and all but this is different I am not depressed in fact I am happy and so content and blessed and yet I have no energy to even think.

What the fuck is this and how do I make it stop?

So my Gov. is a moron and there's fucking looney tunes in the white house.... 
that sums up life in America/Georgia. 

I am offically running out of ideas of how to keep busy. It isnt so easy on a limited budget and such small confines. The wilding is now pro levels when it comes to playing connect 4 and candy land. you wouldnt believe how many times a day I hear him say the alphabet or count to 100 sometimes 1-100 others by tens. I am pretty excited for May 7th to arrive we odered him a new teddy ruxpin bear we had to attemp to quietly change his out for a new one but that plan falid as they were limited sooo did we spend another 90$ to replace the bear? fuck yes we did. the wilding broke my heart asking where teddy was. Teddys been his buddy since he was 1. so hopefully that will cheer him up a bit. 

I miss nature I miss my long walks as spring comes to life and I watch the seasons repeat.

also, im not ok with the weight gain in this quarantine..

I am running out of ideas on ways to occupy myself. I have read, I have cleaned many many times. I have crochetted a blanket for my grand daughter and colored .. I am growing restless as hell. All dull and no play makes Di a bored bitch... We did take the wildling out for a couple hours last week for a ride in the car and to find a couple games to play. So far we are all still healthy so, I am grateful for that. Apparently or Gov. is reopening our state... I will still be inside a while longer. I stopped following our numbers here in Georgia because again mentally it is easier to keep my anxiety down by keeping a normal routine going inside my home and pretend as often as possible that we arent living this right now. At the same time I still wonder how long we can keep that up while raising a 3 year old wilding. I cant get over how heart breaking it is to keep hearing him list all the places he wants to go and in what order when "everyone gets better.." 

I miss my long walks I would take both alone and with the wildling, He loves hunting for and finding rocks from the happiness rocks project when we go for walks. 

The current headline on my television... 
So this is why I don't turn this stuff on... 
??

The man of the house is talking about ordering mask for me and the little wildling. Because apparently we have to go back outside at some point. We can't keep staying in 24/7 like this. 

I object to this.. as sick as I am of being trapped in these walls. I do not want to get use to this new normal. I don't want to walk around and see everyone in mask. I do not want to try to explain to my son why we all HAVE to wear mask outside now  or just how much of a risk it is to be outside. I don't want him to learn that stores are now one way only lanes up and down. That you can't be in close contact with other humans ... 

Why can't we just keep staying inside and wait until I don't have to let him grow up like this ??

Another day of lockdown and today sever storms and likely chance of tornados.. 

Mother Nature seems very upset with humans. 
We had a tornado last week in the town 3 of the kids live. Luckily they were all ok.. on that same day an earthquake hit Idaho where 3 other kids live... 

Humans should apologize to the Earth and hope mother nature will listen... Or something! ?? She's pissed.