I had this moment yesterday where I found myself suddenly reflecting over the last 13 years... I still find it so very strange to be able to reflect back on the past and question when and how I got to this part of life.. The all around general calm and bliss I tend to find myself in. If you knew me years ago, woah... first of all.. so very sorry about all that. I don't even know what happened way back then..but I wasn't in a good place. In fact I was in a darkness that never seemed to end. If I wasn't worried about my children, I was worried about my marriage and whether or not I was the broken piece in it all. I was wondering if I could ever do this thing called life on my own given how useless I felt and believed that I was.. 

Frankly 13 years ago I was more than ready to leave this world. Be it praying for the courage to finally end the bullshit myself or some ugly twist of fate that took me out. One way or the other it was my very firm idea that if I was not on this planet.. everyone that I loved and cared about would be far better off...

Strange fact about all of the above is that everything I said and felt above was all before I burried a child and my mother within 2 years of each other..
How is that even possible? I often ask myself.. How can it be like that? 

Losing Amara in 2012 was the most unexpected plot twist.. out of the death of my very soul arose this fierceness to survive this shit. Losing mom in some odd way gave me the freedom to survive it. 

Suddenly here it is 2021 and I am right where I always wanted to be. I am still head over heels in love with this amazing man I could have never guessed would be "the one" We are still raising some pretty amazing children and now grandchildren. We have a small little 2 room house with a cute little dog ( we just got her ) .. I keep catching myself feeling completely content in life and I am often times caught off guard by that.. as if it is still not real that I am finally here.. I don't know what happens in the future but for the first time, I am not upset by that not knowing. For now I am thinking.. maybe it's gonna be just fine after all..