I am sitting here at 1am. Not even sure how I ended up on the site other than sometimes.. you still long for an old friend. An old listening ear. I don't even know if anyone is still coming around here and journaling. I can pretend someone is out there though, can't I? 

I am tired, exhausted even..and yet I am also more full of life and the will to live it than I ever have been in the past. Mortality has been on my mind a lot the last 19 days.. We lost Erics sister. My oldest and very first friend I ever had in life pasted away 2 days after mothers day.. Liver failure.. from drinking. I feel like old me would be more angry. More pissed off at one more addict that chose to throw their life away.. Me today? I feel like as my life as gone by I have come to understand that most addicts do not choose that life. Most are running from trauma and pain the simply can not face. I believe this is what happened with my dear friend. It is stupid to know I can look back at when she and I were in our late teens and early twenties and she never drank. She was actually the one taking our keys and making sure we didn't drive drunk back then.. We eventually moved a long distance from each other. Our lives went on as we got married had children and then years later we come back together and suddenly she isn't the friend I had known my whole damn life.. and she never would be again. At least not until the very end when oddly enough she seemed so very alert and herself in her final days.. 

For years now it has began to feel like year after year I lose more and more people to suicide or addiction. People I never thought it would be. Hell if I look all the way back at my life there was a time I would have told you I would be the one laid in the ground early either by my own hand or something stupid and yet here I am 42.. I have burried my grand mother, my own mother a child, my oldest childs father a niece and now a best friend for life. I can't help but wonder.. How many more days for me? How many more years? Will i get to see our son grow up to be a man? That thought can bring me to my knees seeing as I have been taking care of my sister in laws girls since she was first rushed to the hospital on May 1st 2022, They are 5 and 4 years old and I have had to help them process that mommy isn't ever coming back. They won't be able to see mommy again.. At least not in this lifetime. Not in this world. Will someone be having that same talk with my son soon? I know I life healther, I don't drink heavily in fact I drink very very rarely. I don't do other drugs but who is to say it can't be something else that gets me.. the trust is.. I am not even close to ready. I feel more full of life and yet I also feel like the adventure is just begining...