Weird how this pandemic has made things go both so incredibly slow and also all-changing at the same time. Like, nothing is the same, but I am not "busy". Although, exhausted. Ya know? Nah? Bad way to describe it? Anyway.....

To play along with my daughter and entertain her "amazing", creative ideas during this time, the 3 of us are currently in a "12-hour-challenge" where we are stuck in ONE room in the house for TWELVE hours with only THIRTEEN items. I'm in the "library". It's funny because, this is just absolutely absurd but we're still doing it. One kid got her way and picked her own room out of the hat, which was a blessing in disguise- because had she not chosen that room, she'd have caused a dramatic sibling quarrel and wouldn't be participating, and then child number 2 would be upset and crying. SO, that being said.... the other child is in the bathroom. It sounds disgusting. It really is disgusting. The good thing is that the bathroom is an old bedroom turned bathroom, so it's like HUGE. The other thing is we cleaned it like we've never cleaned a bathroom. And she's basically on the opposite side of the sink and toilet, so.... literally like, 5 feet from it. Still grosses me out, but shit- I'm not going to burst her bubble after day #????.

Then, I'm like sitting here having a beer. After telling myself about 5 days ago I'd be done drinking for a while.... after drinking for like 8 hours straight starting at noon.... after telling myself a week or two before that I would stop drinking. Bahahhaha- it's pathetic, really. Then, I'll probably go a week or more without having a drank. Then, I'll go buy a bottle of wine.... and I don't know why I think it's dumb then I think it's brilliant.
Also, I wish I could just smoke.... or get some edibles... but like, Iowa. So, there's that.

Little one is supposed to possibly be going to her dad's this weekend. And She went there two weeks ago. And it's "his weekend". It's just tough because it's a big-ole' "blended" family... so when/if she goes, she's exposed to everything they're all exposed to and stuff. And she's like not wanting to go but not wanting to NOT see him. So, I told her he can like come here and go on a walk with her and maybe do some sidewalk chalk and hang out or whatever. You know. But then maybe she wouldn't be going into the house with three other kids who have all been to other houses and seeing other family members who are going to who knows where. I just don't know how I feel about all of that. She's not sure how she feels about that. She's too scared to tell him how she feels nervous about it but I don't know. It's a clusterfuck. I'm not sure what the laws are regarding visitation during this time. I'm sure they're all different. Because, that's what everything is. It's like everythign is contradicted with another thing, and it's a helluva time. 

School is so weird. I'm missing my kids more than I'd have ever thought. It's like.... I just want to drive to their house and read them all a book from a socially appropriate distant and talk about what they've been doing and tell them I miss them and how much I wish we were together. Can I do that?! Can I just drive by sometime to say hi?! I actually should ask.
See our school is one of the few that's "requiring" really anything. I post almost daily to an app that most of my students (all but 2) are connected through (well, their families). So of those kids that are connected to it, I'd say their parents log in about once or twice a week, average. I have sent a weekly e-mail, which usually gets one or two responses. 
I've put together two packets so far for families to pick up and work on at home, voluntarily. I've done read alouds which are posted on the app. But nothing is "required" and no new content is being taught. The reason being we're a small district, but spread out. We cover quite a rural distance. Also, many of the parents are "essential" workers and are still leaving for work OR are working from home. ALSO, probably 15 percent of my class doesn't have internet access, so we can't really reach them that way. UGH. What a helluvaclusterfuck.

OK. I'm pooped. I've been checking emails and writing down meeting dates and due dates and all the things. I think my brain is done working for a while. I'll probably go watch some t.v. Oh, about that. I've been into some pretty dumb shows lately. So, that's great. ;) I'll need to find a GOOD one. I liked The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.... that was short-lived. Went too quick. 

Ciao.

I was going to just slowly update or rant or write artistically.... and then the world has a global pandemic, and I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling. But I know I'm feeling lonely AF. And when I'm feeling lonely AF, I just have no words.
YES, I've got two girls. They are wonderful, and keeping me "busy" and I've got a "classroom" of 2nd graders that I'm really up-in-the-air about because our district isn't supposed to be requiring ANYTHING. But also supposed to be connecting and we're supposed to "be available" for questions or concerns or anything. And so I've got parents wanting me to do "a read aloud" but then I've got parents who haven't "checked in" with me in over a week. So, it's just kind of tough to juggle that.... mostly internally. I'm a million% over-thinker.

I'll try to "organize" my thoughts later. I'm sure I'll be back.

HEY- be safe out there. Make sure to social distance. For real. K, thanks!

Why is it that when I do something "simple" like making a dental appointment for the girls- I feel like THE.MOST.ACCOMPLISHED.HUMAN. ever?! I suppose the "why" doesn't matter, but damn- it does feel good. I'm glad I've got that tackled. AND I even remembered to hand in the forms for the day off of work. :) #itsthelittlethings

With the lack of writing on a platform like this, or really anywhere, for the last few years- I'm at a loss of where to even begin.
Do I write in some sort of order from beginning to now, or from now and work back? Or do I write in topics? Do I start with the heavy shit or just simple things? I suppose that's the problem with me. The topics and ideas seem to jumble up in my brain and intertwine, which leads to sometimes confusion. However confusing it may be for me, I feel that it's just how being human is. I think often times that's the way a majority of us are. Just a jumbled up bit of emotion and confusion. :) I like to take some comfort in knowing (hoping) that I'm not alone in that. That, in some way, people probably understand that quite well.

I'm glad this is an available outlet at this point, though. Since I was a "young"er girl, I've been using sites like this-mostly mindsay. The odd thing to think about is how my oldest daughter is now about the age that I was when I started using mindsay, deadjournal, and myspace.  (lol)

Since I'm adult, though. I have a job. One that I probably shouldn't be using this during, but I am. And because of that job, I need to cut this short and tend to that job. :)