I have been struggling so hard lately with energy. I don't know if it is because I haven't been getting the exercise I was getting before Covid hit or what but I am not a fan. I don't want to be the insomniac that I was but I also would love to have some energy left for myself at the end of the day. 

We have been busy the last few month moving and adjusting to being in a new home with our wilding. It has been amazing seeing him in a real home with his own room and space to go completely insane as toddler boys will do. I can't believe our little wilding will be 4 in less than two weeks. There are some days I feel like I didnt do anything but blink and suddenly all this time has flown by. This year has been a major adjustment for him as well. He has grown up being out often be it on walks with me or out to just visit others not to mention that up until Feb of this year I was a live in Nanny and he would go with me 3-4 days a week and be around 2 other kids now it feels like we just have each others most days. We do see the older kids as often as possible but for him it isn't a major deal because he is so young. His niece is only 10 months old so she isn't quite big enough to play with him yet. 

As for me personally.. Eh, I struggle during October. It is still my favorite time of the year. Spooky season and all. It is a time that we prepare for Jensens bday and for him to be out doing trick or treating. However its a frustrating month. A month of struggling not to think about all the things that should have been. Our daughter should be turning 8. She was due Oct. 31st. Halloween. Her daddy and I's favorite holiday. It is a constant battle not to spend every waking moment wondering who and what she should be, could be today. If only.. Did I also mention that October is also National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. So now I get to battle my own thoughts while also seeing so much today with the nightmare I live with.

Being a parent of child loss is a life long journey and its mentally and emotionally draining some days. All of us who survive this pain we may go on to seem totally normal on most days but honestly this has to be the one pain that is forever right there under the surface and you never know when every raw emotions is going to errupt and do some serious damage to your mental stability.