Just as Mindsay was fading, I had a most amazing experience: I read all of Infinite Jest, twice.

The first time was with a great fellow from a fan site for a band (Tool!). I don't know what started us chatting about the book, but
I had the Kindle version, which I bought during a discount day. I had started it a few times and was frustrated with it. 
So the guy from the Tool page and I decided to read/discuss it together. 
He kept me focused and on my game.

Then we finished during the holidays and in January, I started right back up with Infinite Winter (http://www.infinitewinter.org/ ).

I may locate the thread and share it. It is important to my history if no one else's. 

So. I'm going to read all of Infinite Jest in my spare (hahaha) time, on video, with little added monologues at the beginning and end of each video. Yes, I am going to drain the book of any interest you may have had in it. 

My monologues will be relatively short. I promise. 


 

I worked at the McCory's at Northlake for awhile in college. I had great morning hours, but it was a loooooooooooong bus route to my college. I had to just take Tuesday/Thursday courses and work on the other days. 



Then I moved and worked at this mall, at the Sears taking pictures of kids on a bicycle with
E.T. in the basket:




That shot right at the beginning of the mall entrance to Sears, is where the camera, backdrop, and bicycle were all set up. On the left side.

Years later, I worked for Carlene Research doing marketing surveys (GAG!) and then a job in the shoe department at Rich's-Macy's (when Macy's swallowed up Rich's).

I worked at North Dekalb Mall in Decatur, Georgia for a great deal of my late teens and early 20's.
I worked at The House of Almonds when I was 16.
I worked at Lechmere from 17-19.
I worked at Cargo Furniture when I was 20.
I worked at Paul Harris, The Great American Cookie Co. (I think that was the name), and The Finish Line when I was 20.
I also worked at Afterthoughts when I was around 23.

sigh. This is my old mall. They film movies in there now (not just youtube videos): 
 

I don't want my blog to become a list of my shopping forays. 

But. Almost everything I ever owned burned up in a fire. I have had to become VERY good at finding deals.

I also re-established credit for myself and my mom. (We didn't even need it the way we lived before or we 
thought we didn't). 

Being very careful is the focus now, though. 
I didn't even have a lamp in my room. But today I bought a Better Homes and Gardens lamp that was 75% off. 
Since this deal was from Walmart and I live a long way away from the nearest Wally, I had to pick things that will ship and pick other things so shipping will be free. A pack of LED light bulbs and two pajama sets that were in my cart waiting were just enough. The pajamas are soooooo cute. I put them in my cart weeks, maybe MONTHS ago:

Which one is Pink?

Mario!

It isn't even warm enough for these yet. heh heh heh. 

This just came from the Clark Howard newsletter. I really love it. The biggest square is the $60 one and I can plan for that one: 
Save $1000 in 52 weeks, easily!

 7 months ago, MovieSpree (digital format of MillCreek movies) had the entire collection for 9.99.
I thought it was going to just stay that price, and as I was a bit over-extended, I didn't get around to purchasing it
before it went back up to 19.99. 

Today I woke to the blessed news that the entire collection is 7.99. 
The heavens opened up. 
The beauty. The glory.
They. Are. All. Mine. !!!!!!

I love each of them. They are perfect. * sigh *

I was listening to an economic radio show and I hadn't realized other than my daily bleakness (which is much less bleak than before. I have replaced most of our burnt up housewares and we have normal clothes, as well as tvs and a lamp. Believe it or not, my Aunt didn't use a lamp in the living room and so it was dark much of the time, especially in the winters) how truly bleak my situation is. I did manage to re-establish credit for our family. We can barely use it though.

So, on this economic show the discussion was how capitalism has actually raised the living standards of half of the planet in the past hundred and fifty years or so and in the next fifty years we would become more like Switzerland, our standards would raise and we would continue to raise our environmental standards prices of commodities would even out and things would improve on an even larger scale. I cannot prove that will happen but like the guy carrying out the discussion I grew up in a belief system that emphasizes that this reality is going to go down in flames, everyone is going to turn against one another and the good stuff all happens after that.

The guy talking has spent most of his career as a youth pastor, while working to become an economist. He said that just as things had improved (nearly everyone lived in poverty, with wars, famine and disease before the last century or so) it really could continue to. 
I mostly expect to be thrown out on my ear in the next couple of years (still haven't totally explained my current living situation after the fire, but it is hanging by a thread) my outlook fit in with the whole doomsday outlook bit. 

There is going to be a time when my Mom passes on, my Aunt throws me out because I can't get to real paying job from here (too far out in the boonies) and I am going to lose everything I have replaced. Don't doubt that my Aunt will put me out, there are severe family dynamics involved that I never considered before I had to live here. Therefore, I have to plan and prepare for living on the absolute bottom rung of life. And my Aunt is the only real family I have left. My mom's cousin used to live next door...he died in October. 
He was a very sweet man too and would have helped me out. He decided to get out on his riding lawn-mower in early August and made himself ill cutting the grass. He was never well after that. 

I have to realize that I could be put out on the street any minute. And I must remain cheerful and optimistic in order to take care of my Mom. But at least the economy could be turning out better than I thought. <3

So, I have to deal with it, I am pretty much an old maid now. I will be fifty in October. 

In my late teens and early twenties, I dated a good bit. I fell in love with a guy who was very charming and handsome and fickle. Now I realize that his behavior was somewhat...nacissistic. I didn't even know that was a pattern-following-thing back then. 

Then, when he fickled on off, I met and became engaged to a jerk? I dunno. 

The reason I am rehashing all of this is, the jerk disappeared and went back to his hometown very suddenly and when I called him crying, he would yell at me and hang up. You probably think this is somewhat reductive of the situation. But no...he up and left and when I called crying, he would yell at me. 

I stopped calling because it really only freaked me out more and I didn't like the yelling and hanging up at all. We were no longer engaged, I assumed. 


So now or 3 years ago or so (it was after we had been here a few months) I glance at his FB. I never added him on FB once that started because of all of the yelling and hanging up. And crying. And he had gotten married several years after returning to his hometown. 

But he was getting divorced.
One Sunday before our weekly allowed grocery store visit, I just added him. I go by my step-dad's last name on FB because although I was never adopted (I'm sure I'll post some about this later), I went almost all the way through school using my step-dad's last name and so that is what most former schoolmates know me as, and he knew me with my real last name...so I hoped he would just add me and not think too much about it.  Like, 'ah, some chic I don't know. I'll add her.'

By the time we all returned from the grocery store (enforced family grocery store visits...definitely a few posts about that one) he had added me. And messaged me. 

I timidly messaged him back.

He did not yell. Not even in caps. But he did know who I was, last name or no. 

He apologized for taking off all those years ago...


Sorry I have to stop typing. :D lol. I have other things to do. 

12:54:24


Alright, I'm back for approximately 15 minutes.


He answered and apologized. Then ask about me. I asked about him. He'd been married for over a decade and had several kids over 10. He was a district manager for the same company he had been working for when he ditched me. 

Please allow me to mention that he has always been a very, very attractive guy. Smart and very cool. I hoped that bygones could be bygones and he would just add me to his fb friends and I would be privy to his witticisms and postings. Him being in the process of a divorce would just prevent me from me annoying or angering the wife. I didn't know her at all and she was a decade or so younger than me (he's two or three years older than me). I thought they might not even go through with the divorce, actually. But since they were separated it would be okay to do a fb add. 
Especially since he might not even know who I was. 

But it was beyond that now. He knew. And he told me all about his marriage (from what I know now, lathered in lies, all bubbled up with them). I felt bad for him, in this situation he described. But I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MARRIAGE because I am an OLD MAID. lol. 

Anyway. We started chatting regularly and I had to describe the terrible situation I am/was in. 
BTW, during this time, I was getting a good bit of online work (although I was only just then figuring out how to line up MTURK, CourseHero, Prolific and Usertesting to eeek out something like real pay. I am going to have to go into more detail about my mom going blind and having to care for her while working from home.) 

But then it was just details about the strain I was under and being about to crack. We chatted over the week
and then he sent me a song the next Saturday morning and blew my mind: 




I told myself he must really, really like that song and tried not to read anything into the lyrics.
I sent All Night Long by Peter Murphy. No jokes about how out of touch that is but it was a song
from when we were engaged. I wondered if he remembered it. How can you go wrong with Peter Murphy anyway? 

Here are official transcripts with all names deleted. Hopefully: 

•  

  2017-09-03 03:09 PM

   

  Hey

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-03 05:00 PM

   

  Hi

•  

  2017-09-03 07:08 PM

   

  I've spent the last couple hours looking at my phone trying to figure out what to say.
  I can honestly say I never stopped thinking about you.

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-03 07:21 PM

   

  I saw your profile and decided instead of being a random creeper I would try to add you.

   

  2017-09-03 07:45 PM

   

  I'm really glad that you did. I tried to find you a couple different times with no luck.

•  

  2017-09-03 07:57 PM

   

  I know that it probably doesn't mean much now, and nothing that I say can change the past, but I'm sorry for disappearing like I did. It's one of the things that I regret most in my life.

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-03 09:45 PM

   

  I just have always appreciated that you exist out there somewhere and hoped that you were doing well. I did not help the situation improve much back then and feel at least half way to blame. You are pretty much totally forgiven.

•  

  2017-09-03 11:08 PM

   

  I went to a show at Lakewood a couple months ago and all I could think about was when you and I were there for lolapaooza in '92.

• Jill
  2017-09-04 11:58 AM

   

  You can always reach me at my email: ****@yahoo.com I am really glad you added me and happy to have a chance to communicate with you but am having a lag on processing that you even added me.

• 2017-09-04
• Jill
  2017-09-05 09:25 PM

   

  I think my lag in processing is over. Btw, I contacted your brother  like 20 years ago looking for you, but was concerned you might still be angry at me, so I gave up. I looked in my old email box and think I deleted it to hide the evidence. Or I could have used a different email.

•  

  2017-09-05 11:07 PM

   

  I'm really glad you're able to talk now. I promise you that I was never angry at you. As a matter of fact, I thought you hated me.
  I've spent the last couple days unable to think about anything except you.
  It's been a lifetime since we've known each other. I know that I'm asking a lot, but I'd really like to get to know you again.

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-05 11:32 PM

   

  I can't say no to that.

Just a bit of catch up:

My house burned down in January of 2017. My Aunt and Uncle who lived just down the street took us in immediately. I was totally grateful.

Then my Mom let me know what she had hidden from me my entire life: My aunt, my mom's younger sister, is INSANE. My mom just never filled me in on most of their (her family's) antics and, you know, most people are not that involved with their aunt's lives. 

So they took us in and promptly hid us in the master bedroom. It was a given that really, during most of the day, we weren't supposed to come out. In the winter. With no heat back there and we had no money except for bills that were coming in (we had no home insurance because of the rural location and lack of nearby fire hydrants or some such). 

Okay that's all for now...gotta start my work day...but I am going to vent it all out here, with pictures and videos. :D