So, I have to deal with it, I am pretty much an old maid now. I will be fifty in October. 

In my late teens and early twenties, I dated a good bit. I fell in love with a guy who was very charming and handsome and fickle. Now I realize that his behavior was somewhat...nacissistic. I didn't even know that was a pattern-following-thing back then. 

Then, when he fickled on off, I met and became engaged to a jerk? I dunno. 

The reason I am rehashing all of this is, the jerk disappeared and went back to his hometown very suddenly and when I called him crying, he would yell at me and hang up. You probably think this is somewhat reductive of the situation. But no...he up and left and when I called crying, he would yell at me. 

I stopped calling because it really only freaked me out more and I didn't like the yelling and hanging up at all. We were no longer engaged, I assumed. 


So now or 3 years ago or so (it was after we had been here a few months) I glance at his FB. I never added him on FB once that started because of all of the yelling and hanging up. And crying. And he had gotten married several years after returning to his hometown. 

But he was getting divorced.
One Sunday before our weekly allowed grocery store visit, I just added him. I go by my step-dad's last name on FB because although I was never adopted (I'm sure I'll post some about this later), I went almost all the way through school using my step-dad's last name and so that is what most former schoolmates know me as, and he knew me with my real last name...so I hoped he would just add me and not think too much about it.  Like, 'ah, some chic I don't know. I'll add her.'

By the time we all returned from the grocery store (enforced family grocery store visits...definitely a few posts about that one) he had added me. And messaged me. 

I timidly messaged him back.

He did not yell. Not even in caps. But he did know who I was, last name or no. 

He apologized for taking off all those years ago...


Sorry I have to stop typing. :D lol. I have other things to do. 

12:54:24


Alright, I'm back for approximately 15 minutes.


He answered and apologized. Then ask about me. I asked about him. He'd been married for over a decade and had several kids over 10. He was a district manager for the same company he had been working for when he ditched me. 

Please allow me to mention that he has always been a very, very attractive guy. Smart and very cool. I hoped that bygones could be bygones and he would just add me to his fb friends and I would be privy to his witticisms and postings. Him being in the process of a divorce would just prevent me from me annoying or angering the wife. I didn't know her at all and she was a decade or so younger than me (he's two or three years older than me). I thought they might not even go through with the divorce, actually. But since they were separated it would be okay to do a fb add. 
Especially since he might not even know who I was. 

But it was beyond that now. He knew. And he told me all about his marriage (from what I know now, lathered in lies, all bubbled up with them). I felt bad for him, in this situation he described. But I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MARRIAGE because I am an OLD MAID. lol. 

Anyway. We started chatting regularly and I had to describe the terrible situation I am/was in. 
BTW, during this time, I was getting a good bit of online work (although I was only just then figuring out how to line up MTURK, CourseHero, Prolific and Usertesting to eeek out something like real pay. I am going to have to go into more detail about my mom going blind and having to care for her while working from home.) 

But then it was just details about the strain I was under and being about to crack. We chatted over the week
and then he sent me a song the next Saturday morning and blew my mind: 




I told myself he must really, really like that song and tried not to read anything into the lyrics.
I sent All Night Long by Peter Murphy. No jokes about how out of touch that is but it was a song
from when we were engaged. I wondered if he remembered it. How can you go wrong with Peter Murphy anyway? 

Here are official transcripts with all names deleted. Hopefully: 

•  

  2017-09-03 03:09 PM

   

  Hey

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-03 05:00 PM

   

  Hi

•  

  2017-09-03 07:08 PM

   

  I've spent the last couple hours looking at my phone trying to figure out what to say.
  I can honestly say I never stopped thinking about you.

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-03 07:21 PM

   

  I saw your profile and decided instead of being a random creeper I would try to add you.

   

  2017-09-03 07:45 PM

   

  I'm really glad that you did. I tried to find you a couple different times with no luck.

•  

  2017-09-03 07:57 PM

   

  I know that it probably doesn't mean much now, and nothing that I say can change the past, but I'm sorry for disappearing like I did. It's one of the things that I regret most in my life.

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-03 09:45 PM

   

  I just have always appreciated that you exist out there somewhere and hoped that you were doing well. I did not help the situation improve much back then and feel at least half way to blame. You are pretty much totally forgiven.

•  

  2017-09-03 11:08 PM

   

  I went to a show at Lakewood a couple months ago and all I could think about was when you and I were there for lolapaooza in '92.

• Jill
  2017-09-04 11:58 AM

   

  You can always reach me at my email: ****@yahoo.com I am really glad you added me and happy to have a chance to communicate with you but am having a lag on processing that you even added me.

• 2017-09-04
• Jill
  2017-09-05 09:25 PM

   

  I think my lag in processing is over. Btw, I contacted your brother  like 20 years ago looking for you, but was concerned you might still be angry at me, so I gave up. I looked in my old email box and think I deleted it to hide the evidence. Or I could have used a different email.

•  

  2017-09-05 11:07 PM

   

  I'm really glad you're able to talk now. I promise you that I was never angry at you. As a matter of fact, I thought you hated me.
  I've spent the last couple days unable to think about anything except you.
  It's been a lifetime since we've known each other. I know that I'm asking a lot, but I'd really like to get to know you again.

•  

  Jill

  2017-09-05 11:32 PM

   

  I can't say no to that.