I love love this entire reply (and thank you so much for it!!!) but my gosh "I literally want to do nothing all the time because it takes so much energy just to sustain my existence in this system" this is exactly it.
I do feel good for the most part right now. I actually was feeling better prior to quarantine-times, and then I actually felt like i was thriving during quarantine times... which made me feel it was inappropriate timing to be like "wow I am doing SO WELL despite the world going to shit" but honestly I can't put my own emotional growth and healing on hold just because the world is dying. ?♀️ I have to try to keep myself alive too and I understand that.
Thank you again for always having such perfect responses to my shit. I really do appreciate it!
I started watching this youtube channel (and by this I mean I've watched all the videos this channel had available over the course of 3 nights):
All her videos are basically like this and I am equally mesmerized by all of them. Not only did I become obsessed with the way Tina takes care of herself, these videos actually have inspired me to want to take care of myself again... something I haven't really been doing so much the past few years. Who knew that watching someone take care of themselves in a way that appeals to me could actually inspire me to take care of myself??? The human brain is wild, man.
Edit to add: I forgot to mention the first 3 of these videos that I watched made me fucking cry because I realized I wasn't taking care of myself like I wanted to. We love a 3am breakdown ??
I get into this annoying mindset when I try to reconnect with people from years ago where I feel like I have to explain everything that's happened from the last time we spoke to the present. I wonder if that's what's blocking me from really wanting to blog... like do I feel I have to catch up from when I was last truly active on Mindsay?
That's all such OLD NEWS now but I suppose I will summarize ...
Basically, when I was 23 I got into a relationship with and then moved in with one of my friends and it lasted about 4 years. It was not a good relationship for either one of us and it totally fucked up my whole life. Well. It fucked up certain aspects of it. As much as I want to simplify it and be like "I made this single decision and it destroyed everything," that's definitely not true and that's not at all how life works anyway. That move/relationship actually helped define very important aspects of my personality now so like it clearly wasn't all bad. . .
But the worst thing it did (disregarding the fact it broke me spiritually) was ruin me financially. Within those four years, I blew through my entire life savings and at one point I was working 4 jobs to support my "family" (aka me, my boyfriend, and his dog). I was not getting help with this, but that's not important at this point.
So after our break-up, I ended up moving back in with my parents. They didn't have room for me anymore so I slept on the couch. I thought I would get my life together hopefully within three months, but maybe six, and definitely not longer than a year.
Fast-forward several years and I'm nearly 31 and I still am living in my parents' living room. I deadass have not been able to get my shit together. Tbh, besides my living situation, I'm actually in a pretty good place so as much as I hate my living situation I'm not really motivated to do any extra work to try to fix it. I'm 31 and I live at home but I don't really feel weird about it??? The only reason I hesitate to tell people is that other people feel weird about it and they are like "okay... so what it is your next move" and to be quite fucking honest I don't have one???
Like, my goal is only to make sure I keep my depression at bay and have fun. That is literally it. Those honestly have always been my life goals. I've never planned much for my future ever, sure I had over 10k in savings but once that was gone I had no backup plans and really no true escape route. And keeping my depression at bay is a lot of work. Making sure I stay mentally stable in an environment that doesn't understand the importance of mental stability is hard work. So I feel like I'm working hard but have nothing to show for it because it's all personal development...
I feel good mentally now. I did not feel good for an entire year. After my birthday last year (April), I crashed into a big downward spiral and it was hard to lift myself out of it. I'm not really sure what finally clicked but I feel okay now, just this month.
Also as a confession of sorts and since this seems like a good blog to include this in, I originally wasn't going to join this site. I didn't feel like I needed to blog again. But also I felt bad that I couldn't fucking afford to donate to it when just a few years prior I would've gladly chipped in a few hundred dollars. So I felt like I didn't really deserve to be on this site.
I don't know how I'm going to fix myself financially. I work from home as a social media manager/account manager/ghost writer/virtual assistant. Ideally, I would just find more work but the work I have already fucking exhausts me and it's nowhere near full-time hours. Tbh I make decent money but I just don't work enough to see the benefit of it. And because I'm an independent contractor, I'm self-employed and therefore have to pay a self-employment tax every year that fucking drains me because I'm irresponsible with money nowadays and don't set aside any of it for future taxes. I mean, clearly this is my fault but I just can't mentally handle doing any more than I do now.
I have tons of personal projects I would love to work on, get out into the world, and yes- eventually profit off of them. The problem with that is, again, my brain. I have virtually NO self-motivation. I need a constant support system of what I feel is GENUINE encouragement. I need people checking in on me and holding me accountable. I need people to be harsh with me yet understanding. It's a lot of work and honestly, I have never found a long-term support system to suit any of my needs so I let all my passion projects crumble and fall into dust.
What I really should be doing is like ... getting a job at Starbucks or something but ehhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wouldn't mind doing more of the work I do if I was making more money really. What I really should be doing is working the projects I really want to be doing LOOK HOW I DEFLECTED IMMEDIATELY AND WAS LIKE "LET'S GO TO STARBUCKS" ugh
First of all I'm glad you're here. More familiar faces from ~the old days~ is comforting.
second I can relate to that weird sense of "jeez how much do I describe?" About my life. And also when I was 23 I got in to an extremely toxic relationship. I moved in to an apartment, racked up a ton of student debt, because I didn't work while I was in grad school. She was the very worst. Lied to me constantly about everything and anything. No matter how inconsequential. After she dumped me less than a year in to our time in that apartment she kept me on the hook for the next two years and some change.
she would claim it was all over but would use affection to keep getting me to do her bidding. It was like I was doing heroin. I withdrew from everything completely oh yeah and she gradually convinced me that all of my friends were terrible and I couldn't care about her if I'd have such terrible people in my life.
I let her dry up my money. And when I finally got out I moved in with my parents. That I still live with now 4 years later.
I similarly don't have a plan. I feel like paying rent and enjoying life are mutually exclusive in my area unless I was making a whole lot more money than I am now.
I don't like to tell anyone I live with my parents because of stigma but I don't plan to move out any time soon. I keep telling myself that at some point I will get my therapist license and then maybe I'll get paid enough more to move out.
but I'm also quite confident society is about to fall apart so none of it really matters tbh.
Oh yeah and my only solace in those three years and the couple after them was that I had a gun and if things got truly desperate I'd blow my brains out.
but my current living conditions help me at least be the kind of person I want to be. Even if the situation isn't completely ideal. I sympathize. You're not alone. Also fuck capitalism.
this could have been an entry itself lol
I am actually sooo happy you shared all of this with me, thank you for your comment <3
My relationship was a bit similar... he told me he all my friends were bad people and by the time I was done with it I had isolated myself so badly that I lost almost all of my IRL friendships, and it was to the point where I at first even felt like I couldn't go home, like I couldn't even go back to my family. What ended up happening was my brothers one day called me and were like "pack up your stuff, we're coming to get you tomorrow." So, they gave me that time limit and my boyfriend came home to me packing up the house... and he was kind of like "are you leaving?" (we had talked about us breaking up and moving out prior to this, it just hadn't ever happened yet) and I was like "My brothers are coming to get me." and he helped me pack. So he had his moments of kindness but throughout most of the relationship he told me things like my anxiety wasn't real (which of course made my anxiety and depression worse, I couldn't even bring myself to leave the house on my own most days) and he would constantly compare me to "other girls" but mainly this one girl who was his BFF who he ended up moving in with and dating after I left ... *eye roll* anyway I am very thankful for my brothers because honestly I probably would've not left and I have no idea what my life would be like right now, if I had a life at all.
But yes ugh I feel the exact same way about my living situation right now. It's actually really nice to hear you feel this way. Maybe blogging wasn't such a bad idea after all :D
Coming here to blog has been very cathartic and helpful for me. You can see from all my long rambly posts. And I actually sympathize with you about needing external factors to get you to move out.
I hate to admit this but I kept clinging on. She basically decided that either she was going to move out or I was. So I decided to move out. I hate that it was her choice. I hate that I didn't and probably was not going to stand up for myself. Boundaries were real hard.
but goddamn did I immediately feel better when I was done moving back in with my parents.
"Sometimes all we can do is keep the badness at a distance and then it's time to go to sleep already."
Damn, that's so true.
Thank you :)
I felt like doing that myself, but I'm also like.. new blog new me!
It's good to hear you're in a better state than you were in before and also it's a great thing you're here!
I'm not so good with being harsh, but!!
I really hope that you are able to find something that can push you to start working on your old projects! I would be really interested in seeing what you come up with!!
Money tears things apart.
I think what I find more annoying than money is when people try to control how I spend it.
Personally, I feel like if I got paid for my hobbies, it would take out the meaning and value to me.
I agree with both of those points, but there's something about the sacredness of immersing yourself in something you truly enjoy that I think can get tainted by profit... and sometimes things should just be for me and not for everyone else. But I don't think that means you shouldn't find work you're able to enjoy. I don't believe in the concept of "dream jobs" because I don't dream of labor but I do definitely think there are jobs that are enjoyable and fulfilling, and since we need money to live, making money from that is not a bad thing in my opinion.
THE PROBLEM THOUGH is like any modicum of downtime I find and I'm doing something for myself I enjoy I always have this thought in the back of my head like "should I try to make money from doing this" and I believe that's a corrupt thought.
on this website
It would be interesting to see if I could bring an old habit back that was actually good for me (lol, blogging of course).
I spend literally all my time on Discord nowadays... people think I'm super distant and shit but really it's just because y'all ain't talking to me on one of the 9 niche servers I mod lmfao
Ahhh how do I best explain Discord to someone who doesn't use it.... basically, it's a place for you to chat with people. There are different servers on Discord- some of them are just for personal use (like your friends and family can have a discord server where you all just talk to each other throughout the day) but the real appeal is that you can have a server for very specific interests, and people who are also into those interests join that server and that's how you meet people into the same thing as you! Primarily, this is about games. I am an admin and moderator for many different discord communities and almost each one is based on a specific game first and foremost. So, a fan of a game joins a discord server, meets a bunch of other people that also play this game, and then you can become friends by chatting in basically a chat room all day with everyone.