I've always felt too "strong" in life. Whether that translated to "masculine", "clumsy", "careless", and "stubborn". I just go through life feeling too much of all of that. Am I so controlling of everything that I am now a toxic person in my relationship?

Sam jokes that I don't know my own strength but that I AM stronger than him, and he's scared I'll hurt him. It genuinely hurts my feelings, and makes me worry that he's actually scared of me.. I could never and would never lay a hand on him.

He tells me to be careful parking in our garage because I could hit the wall with my bumper, since I park waaay too close anyway. Today I did hit the wall. We have to repair it now. Spackling and some paint, I'm sure will be enough. It's just a wall.

But now I have this lingering dread that I am the destroyer of everything. Will I destroy our house because I am so careless and clumsy? Will I destroy our relationship? I get upset that Sam likes to bond exclusively watching videos together. YouTube, TV, Movies. I already cannot handle too much stimulation. The idea of more, out side of work, irritates me. Because my hips are unbalanced from an hour commute every day. Sore from sitting at a desk for 8 hours every day. I do not want to sit any more than that. Am I really so controlling that when the person I love refuses to go on a walk with me, it throws us into arguments? He, who also sits for 8 hours a day, cannot just..take a walk with me..? Am I contributing to the problem for refusing to watch things with him?

Islam, specifically Sufism, helped me soften up before. Helped me become more feminine, elegant, and careful with my steps. But I have been so distant from Islam. So distance from mediation and exercise. In this last year, I have felt uncontrollable anxiety building up inside me. I fear I have this ugly, spiky ball inside of my heart from all of the stress and anxiety and doubt. I fear that if I don't go punch a desert slab of rock and scream for an hour, I will crush myself around this spiky ball.

I never wanted to pursue pharmaceutical medication before, but, I wonder. Will it fix the dent in my garage wall?

"How to get in touch with my inner self again"

"How to control my breaths again"

"How to chill"

Google: no results

1. What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before?
   • I moved across the country.. Twice! 

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   • I did not make resolutions last New Year. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   • Hnnnggg....no? I don't think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
   • No, but some people close to people I am close with did pass, unfortunately.

5. What countries did you visit?
   • None! Thank COVID-19 for det.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?
   • Patience and calamity in my heart. 2020 was so chaotic, tense, angry. Reeeee

7. What date(s) from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   • 03/10/2020. It is the anniversary of when Sam and I got together :3 This date is special because we're planning to be together for the rest of our lives.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   • Dude, okay, shit. I made $12,000 in 2019. My literally gross income was $12,000. LMAOOOO BRO I FUCKING QUADRUPLED THAT THIS YEAR. I landed an amazing job with a small family business and I am learning a whole new trade I never thought I'd have interest in. But I love it. I have never had this much money before. It's really sobering and weighs heavily on my heart while lifting a shit ton of weight off of my shoulders. Whew.
   • Also, meeting my partner, Sam. He is so good uwu smooch smooch lemme lOve forEver!1!

9. What was your biggest failure?
   • I had an incredible fitness/health ethic going before COVID hit. I was laid off, moved to a new state, and fell into a pretty thick depression soup, sprinkled with anxiety.
   • I am also not as emotionally stable as I used to be. I think this is because I can't relieve my stress through energy/strength exertion anymore.. 
   • I am just a blob of bleeb right now, you feel me?

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
    • Thank God, I did not.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
    • I bought a new(ish) car in January 2020 with a $12k loan through my credit union.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
    • Hmm. I don't remember witnessing any especially influential behavior that was positive this year..

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?
    • The general population of the USA (ง'̀-'́)ง

14. Where did most of your money go?
    • Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    • Meeting up with Sam for the first time. Felt like my heart was going to leak out of my butthole. And it did! In a really lovey-dovey type of way :3

16. What song(s) and/or ablum(s) will always remind you of 2020?
    • Dynamite by BTS is engrained in my brain as the 2020 National Anthem that saved my soul.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
    • More stable.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
    • Travelled more. :c

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
    • Drank alcohol lmao but c'mon.. what else would I have done skgkadjfhdf

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    • Whoops that passed already. I spent it with Sam's family! I met his grandma for the first time :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2020?
    • Hnngnuuuhueueueu yeth :3 <3

23. How many one-night stands?
    • None~!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
    • This was the first period where I actually watched TV besides anime and Run BTS! 10/10 Recommend Extra Curricular k-drama. Also The Uncanny Counter. Also Jujutsu Kaisen!!!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    • Hate Donald Trump more than I ever thought I would.

26. What was the best book you read?
    • This year? Breakfast with Buddha.
    • Ever? The 40 Rules of Love.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    • Ok I discovered BTS in 2019 but, still, even this year. Yes.

28. What did you want and get?
    • Other than little items here and there.. A JOB lol.
    • I did not know I wanted Sam, let alone a partner at all lol But I am very thankful for that, period.

29. What did you want and not get?
    • A JOB FOR 2 MONTHS. SO HARD. REEEE.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
    • Soul. Please watch it.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    • Spent the night with Sam. We made my favorite dish and drank win hnnghehehueh. I turned 24 this year. 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    • If COVID never happened and I got to see BTS live twice like I shoulda.
    • SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA, IM COMING NEXT YEAR!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?
    • Comfortable yet sleek.
    • I took a lot of influence from Korean fashion this year. Especially from BTS. Mmmyeas

34. What kept you sane?
    • BTS, Sam, wine, my cat.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    • Beee-teee-esss

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
    • THIS WHOLE FUCKING YEAR WAS A POLITICAL ISSUE. DON'T EVEN.

37. Who did you miss?
    • My best friends I left back in AZ, Davis and Cody, and Bri. <3

38. Who was the best new person you met?
    • Just Sam :~) My lil' sexy sweet pea

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020:
    • I did not learn a damn thing this year, dude. But I'm feeling lucky for learning something good in 2021.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
    • "I just wanna be happier
    • Melt me who is cold
    • My hand reached out innumerable times
    • A colourless echo
    • Oh this ground feels so heavier
    • I am singing by myself
    • I just wanna be happier
    • Is even this too much to ask for?"