The therapy was pretty good yesterday. 

I explained that I had been feeling completely horrible (throwing up, nauseous) almost every day. Which I believe is linked to the physical symptoms of my anxiety. Talked about my panic attack and disassociation episode I had too. While both those things are horrible, they aren't as... soul-sucking as they once were. I'm still in a pretty good mood. My energy has been so low but I've still been maintaining my daily to-do lists and schedule. 

I talked about stupid simp boy too. I told her that I reached out to him to convey my feelings more effectively. Maybe to get closure? Then while I sat on the couch, I was like. Wait. Maybe I don't even know what closure is.

Most of the men in my life, they've left and that was it. Not even a last goodbye or anything. I never knew that was the last time we'd speak. So this move was me trying to take control...and maybe something more. I'm not sure. It's something to ponder on. I couldn't really put into words how I felt about this recent situation.

SO...I had a crush on this guy on Twitch. Just like flirting and whatever. I didn't want it to be more than that. Because that's more than I can handle.

Within the first 7 days, he's already saying HE LOVES ME. Red flag.

Within the first few days of talking consistently, wants to tell our community "about us". I'm like............he says "Do you mind if I say something in chat?" Before I CAN RESPOND, he PLAYS IT LIKE WE ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

At that time, it felt nice to be special. I felt all these alarms in my mind. I have a really hard time letting myself be happy so, I thought, this could be the one time I could allow myself to feel it. But after he tried saying he loved me and I obv didn't feel the same. At least not within the first SEVEN days.

I stopped talking to him. Which ELUSIVENESS IS INTENTIONAL. I see that now. Anyways, a week or so later, he goes "We should just be friends" WHICH IS FINE BUT WHAT WE'VE BEEN ALL ALONG. Now he is playing the victim card to the whole community. I posted something about valentines day. He doesn't @ me but goes "What's a valentine or crush" JESUS CHRIST.

My therapist put the words together that he's trying to play the victim card to everyone. But I was upfront and honest with him the whole time...although, now that I type this. I should've said NO. I should've clarified. But would that have even mattered to him? He was making me his whole happiness...which IS ANOTHER RED FLAG. I told my therapist, when I'm in a relationship, I want to be happy. Then have that other person only ADD to my happiness. I don't want them to be my one and only source of happiness.

Anywaysssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Writing it out here helped me think through things a bit more. 

Olivia Rodrigo - Drivers License

Life is fucking weird.

Good news! I finally have a LAPTOP AGAIN. I haven't had one in like...literal years. While I'm trying to be better about journaling (like with an actual pen and paper). Using Satyrn, aka New School Mindsay, makes me feel like I'm in the 8th grade. Blogging on the library computer.

Crushing on...Thomas. I think, that was his name. Telling him and Ashley, his best friend, about Mindsay and them joining.

Little did I know, later that year, Thomas would be the first guy I would actually confess I liked. Turns out, he didn't like me. Major bummer but he actually didn't like girls at all. 

ALSO I TOLD MY AUNTIE ABOUT MINDSAY AND SHE HAD ONE FOR A PERIOD OF TIME TOO.

~anyways~

I seem to be on a never-ending supply of Ginger Ale. I've been sick for a long time but chalked it up to my anxiety. It's gotten worse these past few weeks - so I guess, BACK TO THE DOCTOR. To make sure there isn't anything more severe going on with me. Please not ulcers again.

I'm sure I'll think of more to talk about but for now. I think that's enough. Ciao bellas 

The Promise Ring - Is this thing on - Album: Nothing feels good

I want a place of my own. Just a tiny studio where I can put things up that are me. I can decorate how I please. I can live how I please.

With everything going on in the world, my family doesn't have the same views as I do. It makes it a very toxic place to be. So whenever they watch the news, I just come to my room and give myself distance. I know that 'he' will never change. And I don't know if I could hold my tongue long enough to not get into a fight.

I started a new job a month ago! I graduated THE TOP OF MY FUCKING CLASS. My stats are better than tenured chat agents. I watch Community or Parks and Rec while I work. Or I listen to music and dance in my chair when it's not busy.

I started BAWLING my eyes out when my trainer and coworkers praised me.

I don't take compliments very well. I just am me. I do my best. I try to stay positive.

I was scared that my mental state wouldn't be stable enough for me to work another full time job. So I'm trying to take my meds like I should. 

I now have real health insurance!!! What the hell.

Anyways, I'll probably write again sometime.

Love you guys. Stay safe.

With everything going on...I've been pretty absent from...everything?

Me and my best friend, Lori, have been FaceTiming almost every weekend for the past month and a half. That really helps me. We both have similar mood disorders and it's nice to vent or motivate each other.

One of the things I've started doing is writing what an "ideal" morning and evening routine would look like. While I haven't done all of my "ideal" things, it feels nice to know that I'm keeping up with some things. I like to have some time reading throughout the day, I've been working on a puzzle (I should post pics to show you guys. It's wild because the pieces are so small). I've been doing a movie marathon where I write down movies I've been wanting to watch and randomly pick one. It's been really great.

Also, I've started reading this book called The Dance of Anger, A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. I'm only about 20 pages in but MAN, DID SOME STUFF HIT HOME REALLY HARD. 

I haven't gone to therapy since this whole virus started. I don't feel that affected? But I'm afraid to do the phone call/video call because I don't feel like my house is a "safe"...."open"...place to discuss everything I'm dealing with. I feel guilty for feeling that way but...I don't know. I told my therapist it's something I need to think more about.

The past few years, I've realized that my body issues have grown because of the way I grew up. Or the way my mom unconsciously did. I learned to be ashamed of my body from a really young age. I learned my butt, my boobs, my thighs were bad. They were sinful. They were something to be hidden. About 5 years ago, I remember my mom getting upset at me because you could see my bra strap. I was like ???? showing my bra strap doesn't make me a slut. It doesn't make me a bad person. Who cares? 

Anyways, blahhhhh. This was just a mix of everything that's been going on in my head. I hope everyone is doing okay <3

WHY HELLO

I want to thank Cas for inspiring me to savour the riches of being able to have my OWN NAME AS MY USERNAME
#runonsentence #orsomething

I also want to say that I've only heard of one Doja Cat song. And. I. Want. To. Be. Her. 
If you listen to "Say so" THATS MY VIBE RIGHT NOW

I have SO MUCH TO "TALK" ABOUT.

• I've been going to counselling for a month now. I seriously considered stopping but I will try it for three months. Which is what the Indian center has recommended for me. However, they can extend if they see fit. So there's that.
• I've been on my medication since December. We increased my medicine in January...I feel so much better. I'm not crying every morning and night. I don't think about trying to swallow all my pills and be done with life anymore.
• Next week, I'm going to a college campus walkthrough, meet with advisors, etc. I'm so excited and scared to start school. IT'S BEEN SO LONG. WILL I BE GOOD ANYMORE.
• My other concern is if my depression and anxiety will come back as strong as it did in November. I don't want to have to take the amount of medicine I'm taking forever. I'm taking the second-highest prescription for the medication I take every 8 hours.
• Since I've been maintaining my anxiety and depression pretty well, I've reactivated my Hinge account. I don't want anything serious but I also don't want one night stands. But I also don't just wanna fuck *thinking emoji*

Phew. That was a lot. 

Until we met again <3

I finally have my computer up and running (for the most part)

I miss typing on my keyboard. We shall see if I continue to come back to journal <3