The therapy was pretty good yesterday. 

I explained that I had been feeling completely horrible (throwing up, nauseous) almost every day. Which I believe is linked to the physical symptoms of my anxiety. Talked about my panic attack and disassociation episode I had too. While both those things are horrible, they aren't as... soul-sucking as they once were. I'm still in a pretty good mood. My energy has been so low but I've still been maintaining my daily to-do lists and schedule. 

I talked about stupid simp boy too. I told her that I reached out to him to convey my feelings more effectively. Maybe to get closure? Then while I sat on the couch, I was like. Wait. Maybe I don't even know what closure is.

Most of the men in my life, they've left and that was it. Not even a last goodbye or anything. I never knew that was the last time we'd speak. So this move was me trying to take control...and maybe something more. I'm not sure. It's something to ponder on. I couldn't really put into words how I felt about this recent situation.

SO...I had a crush on this guy on Twitch. Just like flirting and whatever. I didn't want it to be more than that. Because that's more than I can handle.

Within the first 7 days, he's already saying HE LOVES ME. Red flag.

Within the first few days of talking consistently, wants to tell our community "about us". I'm like............he says "Do you mind if I say something in chat?" Before I CAN RESPOND, he PLAYS IT LIKE WE ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

At that time, it felt nice to be special. I felt all these alarms in my mind. I have a really hard time letting myself be happy so, I thought, this could be the one time I could allow myself to feel it. But after he tried saying he loved me and I obv didn't feel the same. At least not within the first SEVEN days.

I stopped talking to him. Which ELUSIVENESS IS INTENTIONAL. I see that now. Anyways, a week or so later, he goes "We should just be friends" WHICH IS FINE BUT WHAT WE'VE BEEN ALL ALONG. Now he is playing the victim card to the whole community. I posted something about valentines day. He doesn't @ me but goes "What's a valentine or crush" JESUS CHRIST.

My therapist put the words together that he's trying to play the victim card to everyone. But I was upfront and honest with him the whole time...although, now that I type this. I should've said NO. I should've clarified. But would that have even mattered to him? He was making me his whole happiness...which IS ANOTHER RED FLAG. I told my therapist, when I'm in a relationship, I want to be happy. Then have that other person only ADD to my happiness. I don't want them to be my one and only source of happiness.

Anywaysssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Writing it out here helped me think through things a bit more. 

Olivia Rodrigo - Drivers License