I got tired of writing cover letters so this is the one I just used for my new application. I think it's art.


Dear Hiring Manager,

Hi, hello, how's the Crisis Of Infinite Bad Times going for you? I hope your office/or computer room is well stocked with the cures for what done gone and ailed you.

Here's the thing, let's just get it out of the way-- my resume is as full of banal, algorithm-catching keywords as the copy for whatever website I need to work on this week, but the important thing is that they're the right ones. They're all true, of course, but. Eh. So if you don't mind, I'm going to explain here why I'm a good candidate for this position in human language, or at least in the native tongue of what once was a man who went into buildings and had no issues with gas stations.

I can do the googles. I can do the numbers. I can do the words good.

I did not receive my degree in marketing. I went to school to write (the last few sentences are from my thesis), and then I ended up using those skills instead to sell people screen doors and cheeseburgers. I did really well with both of those-- last year I sold $28,000+ dollars in screen doors that have bears and ducks carved into them on a $4,000 dollar budget. I'm sure that's tiny for your company, but to my client it wasn't. To them it was their complete and total year long budget for marketing. That, to me, was important. It was their best year of screen door sales to date. I'm proud of making that money for them, proud of a bunch of ads and analytics sheets I wrote for them to explain how their money worked. I enjoy doing it. I'm good at it.

I can work with the worst clients on the earth, and I know this because I have. My friend and former coworker, Hayden Grindstaff, who suggested I apply for this position, can attest to this, because he worked with them too.

I can do whatever you need me to do. If it's writing content, I can do that. I can fit my voice to accomplish whatever they want. I wrote blog entries for a food charity and ad copy for a really angry guy who sold drag racing parts and wanted to appeal to other super angry guys who like drag racing. I can write ads, I can nail the keywords, drive traffic, do whatever you need. I've worked on Facebook, Bing (They wanted it, okay?. And honestly, the ads are extremely cheap because no one else cares.), Instagram, the whole package. I haven't done tiktok yet but I know the day is coming, God bless us.

I have some limited experience with coding-- mostly HTML but some other stuff I can refresh myself on. I can read it even if I can't speak it all the time.

What I want to stress to you is that I'm capable of meeting your needs, and I'll be happy to do it. I've spent more than 3 years BEING the marketing department for my agency. I've had to do it all, and I'm more than capable of growing into this position as well. Problem solving is what every task comes down to in the end, and that's what I do best.

Thank you, sincerely, for considering me for this position. I hope to hear from you soon.

- Morgan Stewart

PS if no one else who has applied for this position in their cover letter admitted that resumes are total garbo they're already lying