I don't know why I waited this long to make a page or write a post but here I am. Needing this. Hoping this helps. The deja vu of my angsty teen misery is quite literally insane. I feel like I am back where I started, like everything I did, was, saw in between is disappearing and this is entirely who I am now and ultimately who I always have been.

I am stuck with this horrible choice and swallowing my pride until it hopefully eventually pays off. But I can't stop feeling miserable here no matter how hard I try or how much I pay to fix or what routine I try to set-- I find myself just getting through the days. The bathroom still has the same crack in the tile under the door that drives me crazy every single day, first thing in the morning. The squeak the door to the main bedroom makes is identical to the sound I'd hear every time my mom would lock up her bedroom before going to work. The computer, once relegated to the basement, now sits below the front window of my childhood bedroom as I "work from home" where my sparkly see through bubble chair used to sit.

I hate that my family will never ever change for the better.
They have lost all their power and common sense to a selfish addict.
They will never do things the right way.
They will always cater to their 1 child as opposed to the other 2.
They will never love me for who I am and what I stand for.
They will continue to ask me to compromise my happiness/beliefs.
They will inevitably need me to help them regardless.
They will only get worse.

I am trapped in the middle of fight or flight which truly feels like I am being ripped apart on the inside. If I don't complain and I don't start a problem, there won't be any issues. On the other hand, I just want to pack up all my belongings [for the 100th time in the last 2 years] and move on and leave every single one of them behind to live in the shitstorm of their own creation.

I should have seen it coming.